Exit Stage Left (or Right)

It hasn't quite been 20 years but it's time to bid a tender goodbye and go gently into real life where many exciting new projects await. Thank you readers, thank you linesmen, thank you ball boys, thank you tormented artists masquerading as fashion designers, thank you celebrities and your vapid wanton ways, thank you for a real good time!After 600-odd posts, it seems that there are no more words left to thump out, especially when confronted with an abomination such as this:But don't despair it's not entirely over yet.You can still catch me on Teh Interweb, churning out condensed matter on a daily basis. See you around and stay unfashionably clothed!

Posted on: 2 October 2006 | 9:04 am

Happy Birthday China

May the bricks of your enemies crumble into smithereens before your powerful forcesAnd may your pandas find the libido to multiply in Malthusian proportions

Posted on: 1 October 2006 | 8:03 am

Good manicurists are hard to find these days

Records broken by Lee Redmond other than world's longest fingernailsWorld's highest hairlineWorld's longest time taken to open a can of CokeWorld's largest individual consumer of olive oilWorld's most prolific eyegouger World's largest collection of Gandalf hairpiecesWorld's craziest glint in eyesWorld's most inefficient typistWorld's most likely to freak someone out on a blind dateWorld's most washed out photo taken of the world's most sallow human beingThe snuggest vinyl pants this side of townNext update: Monday 2 September

Posted on: 29 September 2006 | 10:20 am

A cook's best friend

Any dog who's even the slightest bit fussy will tell you that dog food, for the most part, tastes atrocious. Artificial flavouring, preservatives, and other mystery chemicals combine to leave an unwanted aftertaste on the tongue.Increasingly dogs are demanding that their owners learn some rudimentary skills in the kitchen before they even consider stepping inside the home for meals. If you know what's good for you and your pet's jaded palate, you will enrol yourself in a dog food cookery class faster than it takes for Lindsay Lohan to break up with her newest boyfriend. It is all the rage in Seoul where the prevailing sentiment seems to be, "check it out, we cook for dogs now".Nothing gets the salivary glands more excited than using the finest and freshest ingredients. If only humans found meat hor d'oeuvres to be so intensely mesmerising.Some pets have a very paws-on approach and like to be closely involved in the preparation stage. However master chefs recommend against this because of the danger of having knives around animals - instead of chopping the vegetables you could end up giving them an unfortunate haircut. Sitting down to a homecooked meal and engaging in civilised conversation sure beats digging into prepackaged slop while watching tv. This dog says "What an amazing degustation menu that was! A divine melange of flavours and mouth-melting textures that I couldn't rate more highly. My compliments to the sommelier for an excellent choice of wines too."And if that isn't enough every now and then you can surprise your pet with a triple-decker version of their favourite dish. After subjecting them to your tawdry games of dress-up the least you can do is make them something nice to eat.Next update: Friday 29 September

Posted on: 27 September 2006 | 10:13 am

Getting a foot in the door

Tips on how to get past first round interviews for extremely competitive jobs Well if you want to convince your prospective employer that you are capable of superhuman feats of productivity, then you need to start dressing more like a superhero. For example, my real name is Kathy but when I apply for jobs I go by the name Super-Retro-Sexy-Pantihose Girl. I also make sure that my cape is long to create aerodynamic lift but short enough to show off my ass. Make that my superhuman ass.Recently I applied for a position at a very prestigious airline. I wanted to present the image of the ideal flight attendant so I tied a scarf neatly around my neck, secured my bust and displayed my flesh pockets. I got an offer but didn't end up taking it because I would have been expected to keep my navel covered up at all times during the flight. I don't keep it immaculately groomed for nothing you know!I'm all about first impressions so I craft my own clothes to wear. I find that if my outfit is really stiff and paperlike then it makes it harder for me to let down my guard and say something uncalled for. The last thing I want to do is freak the interviewer out.I prefer to do my interviews standing up because cheap vinyl doesn't bend that easily. But I usually end up missing my interview appointments anyway because I tend to underestimate the time needed to put on a pair of boots.Nowadays you can't just coast by on good looks and strategically placed bits of pink fabric. You have to bring extra skills to the table. Like, in this instance the fortitude and foresight to put giant lovehearts on an otherwise mundane headset.One very important thing I learnt is never ever dress up like how your boyfriend demands in the bedroom. Unless he is the one interviewing you of course.Next update: Wednesday 27 September

Posted on: 25 September 2006 | 10:30 am

New to the neighbourhood

How to tell if your neighbours are not from around these partsThey potter about the house swathed in nothing but an auto racing flagThey refuse to attend your welcome barbecue because it is a waste of perfectly good tin foilMost of their tiling work occurs outside of the bathroom and the kitchenTaking out the garbage is a highly covert reconnaissance missionInstead of ringing the doorbell like everyone else, they swoop in through the window when they want to borrow a cup of sugarThey give you a blank look whenever you greet them on the street and mouth some pleasantries about the weatherNext update: Monday 24 September

Posted on: 22 September 2006 | 10:33 am

Hey There Rich Folk: Gold Edition

In these uncertain times, the reassuring allure of gold cannot be denied. Gold is something that all rich people should hoard like acorns just before the wintry season. It's durable, it's intrinsically valuable and it is mindblowingly awesome to have enough gold to construct your own ceiling showing how man was created, then beamed down to earth in a giant golden ray of light. See how you can use gold to make a few cosmetic improvements to your humble abode, thereby making you more likely to invite guests back to your home.Prior to its makeover, this was a typical cramped studio apartment with little going for it. But after some tasteful gold inlay and fittings, with a smattering of baroque, you will see that we have now created the illusion of enough space for a sit-down dinner party, witty repartee and a quasi-throne in which you can repose and stroke your favourite sculptures.In the powder room, guests may avail themselves of the lustrous facilities. The solid gold toilet seat must be left down in all instances simply because it is too heavy to be lifted.After a hard day's work why not kick off your shoes and submerge yourself in the luxury of a gold bathtub. You might want to get the chambermaid to draw the bath beforehand by emptying suitcases of hundred-dollar bills.And if you have some spare change left over after the renovations, have it beaten and hammered into a breastplate fit for an Amazon queen. Every woman needs a flesh-digging underwire bra in her closet.Next update: Friday September 22

Posted on: 20 September 2006 | 10:36 am

Try our new skull and crossbones line of skincare

I don't have much time tonight so I shall use it all up to indulge in some scaremongering. Do you know what you are really smearing onto your face everyday? Could your favourite brand of cosmetics be a prettily packaged minefield of banned substances? Could pitera just be a fancy word for asbestos! Save me the shocking lab results, I already know what to expect from overpriced Japanese cosmetics. Unlike these disgruntled customers who found out the hard way that the secret ingredients are kept secret with good reason.1. Commercial chlorine bleach and possible "smylex" poison2. Formaldehyde3. Corrosive acids causing pus-oozing sores4. Leather polish5. Clown grease paint6. Lead, mercury, cadmium and virtually every other toxic metal you can think ofNext update: Wednesday 20 September

Posted on: 18 September 2006 | 9:59 am

OMG she copied me!

What to do when someone else at the pool is wearing the same swimming costume as youTilt your head ever so slightly, smile stiffly and stare vacantly in the distance as if nothing untoward has happenedUse every ounce of energy to keep pretenders to your style throne at arms-length and preferably underwaterFlip her over to find out whether she is merely wearing an inferior knockoff and should be mocked accordinglyPoint and shout "Hey look over there!" before making a dash for it.Overreact with fake astonishment and joy, then loudly compliment each other's impeccable style and taste in theatrical tonesTry to make yourself stand out through some high-fashion moves and really "own the look".Cry out desperately to the heavens above "Oh Lord why have you done this to me? Why hast thou forsaken me? Why?!?!?"Next update: Monday 18 September

Posted on: 15 September 2006 | 10:39 am

I feel pretty oh so pretty

A lot of men seem to think that they can do most things better than women. They are probably right because most of the time we are suffering from PMS, menstrual cramps, uncontrollable mood swings and random emotions in order to perform simple tasks effectively. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if men were better at being women than women were themselves. Desperate to prove their superiority in every arena possible, men have been buying into virtual feminisation. Through these services a man can find out how hotter he is than his girlfriend or wife, and perhaps even dump them for himself! Here are some examples of very successful makeovers that drew gasps of amazement."Claire" wanted her overall look to be feminised but at the same time she wanted to retain her strong physique and broad shoulders. The result was impressive - with this picture alone she was able to convince a not so well-known actor to leave his pregnant girlfriend and chase a gangly fantasy.The client in this instance was worried that he would end up looking too girly rather than womanly. Once they removed the Adam's apple and managed to work in the fabulously b*tchy expression the rest was history.Going through a rough patch with your mother who's being difficult about your inheritance money? Show mum a pic of the daughter she never had and get her all emotionally choked up while you try to get the court to declare her legally incapacitated or incompetent.This client was very pleased with her softer, fuller features and requested romantic, tousled hair to match. Jada says, "Fantastic! I hope this is what I look like after upping my daily dosage of oestrogen". Watch as pair of good mates turn into a pair of best girlfriends forever! They share designer gowns, party drugs and fierce attitudes.Or you can be the only belle of the ball if you so please. See if you can guess which figure above has been subtly tampered with and which is the real woman.Next update: Friday 15 September

Posted on: 13 September 2006 | 10:19 am

You Like, You Buy Vol 47

Hey there new parents, one day your precious bundle of joy is going to grow up, fly the roost and get married. If you let the years fritter away, you will have naught when it comes time to drag out the embarrassing baby pictures at family reunions and at the obligatory wedding powerpoint slideshow. Or if you were smart, you would have lugged baby and sundry down to www.mybb.hk for a gloriously tacky photo shoot that will still retain its tackiness in years to come.If your family line has a genetic disposition to excessively large and protruding ears you can tempt fate with a set of Dumbo ears. Then when your kid does end up having a miserable childhood being taunted mercilessly by schoolmates for the size of their ears, oh how we will laugh and nod at your remarkable foresight.Even if your baby is blessed with perfect features, you can still pay extra to manipulate the camera angles. What are parents for if not to trick everyone else into thinking that their kid is a giant foreheaded freak of nature.Here is the obligatory invasion of privacy shot that should put your child off using public lavatories for life.Customers who opt for the platinum package gain access to a higher quality designer wardrobe. These special pieces are sourced from drag queen gear supplier and Sex and the City stylist Patricia Field.The reality is that many babies remain unimpressed by the remarkable work of Anne Geddes. Some roll their eyes and sigh loudly, some curl their lips condescendingly, but the well behaved ones just shut their mouths really tightly to keep the bile from flowing out.This is a great way to freak out children, much better than the taking away a lollipop technique. Dress them up in bright red and yellow and give them a long-handled implement to hold. They will think that they are in for a lifetime of flipping burgers at McDonald's.So don't waste anytime and hurtle your perambulator in the direction of www.mybb.hk. Just one more tip for the uninitiated - despite what people may tell you, nobody ever likes the bee costume. Next update: Wednesday 13 September

Posted on: 11 September 2006 | 9:44 am

It's not a girl!

What's happening here? Britney Spears hasn't even delivered yet and already a wave of euphoria has gripped Japan. However this has nothing to do with the latest Federline meal-ticket and everything to do with the sanctity of the Chrysanthemum Throne. After 40 years of waiting, one of the princesses finally did the very thing they exist to do and delivered a male heir. Public reaction could be gauged by the number of people celebrating openly in the streets in a sort of impromptu male-pride festival.Unsurprisingly the elder generation has been the most pleased with the arrival of the prince. One little old lady says, "The monarchy is a serious institution that is built on the strength of its male members. Let's leave the little girls to vapid Hollywood celebrities. By the way I heard the baby has Asian eyes and looks a bit like Chris Klein."These men have been told by their mothers and wives that the baby prince is a good thing, so they too are absolutely jubilant at the news. Meanwhile little schoolboys are overjoyed that they won't be subjected to the whims of a prissy little princess who might just one day decide that all school uniforms have to be pink. Their teachers are inwardly gloating that now the royal tutors will know what it's like to have a little boy around.Other babies have also started pouring in their well-wishes to the imperial household. This one is particularly relieved that the looming constitutional crisis and thorny questions of succession law reform have been averted for now.And how is the Princess Aiko (formerly the leading contender for the throne) taking this life-altering development? According to palace sources the Princess has described the idea of having a new cousin as awesome but not as awesome as a pony from the stables of the Dutch royal family. But as she grows older, cloak & dagger intrigue and plotting of the highest order might become necessary if she decides on "ruling a nation" as a career. Just as well Macbeth is her favourite bedtime story.Next update: Monday September 11

Posted on: 8 September 2006 | 10:25 am

A second chance to squander

Now that the GREAT SURI CRUISE REVEAL has taken place we can all lie back in relief, safe in the knowledge that the world is right again. Another great piece of news is that Hong Kong banker Mimi Monica Wong has won back a respectable sum of US$8 million from the most overpriced salsa dance instructors in the world. This means that she is now free to fritter away money on another fruitless venture, apart from trying to obtain exclusive access to certain celebrity baby pictures because in case you hadn't heard the GREAT SURI CRUISE REVEAL has already happened. Based on speaking to really rich but really naive people, I have identified the best options available to Ms Wong.For a ridiculous sum roughly equivalent to her divorce settlement, Jessica Simpson will teach you a new dancesport called roller-flamenco. There is only move involved - the rest involves being gently pushed along by a crew of stylists, handlers and assistants.High net worth individuals are in luck because for a limited time, Donald Trump is giving one-on-one seminars titled "Baseball: the Elegance, Poetry and a Whole Lot More in Motion".US$8 million can go a long way in paying for surgical enhancements not covered by medical insurance. These valuable add-ons can ultimately help you find the rapper-actor of your dreams.After purchasing your new body, there might be some left over for body expression lessons. The best courses are based in Venezuela and teaches you the subtle difference between standing on a street corner and a pageant stage.Why not give it away to people who really need it? There are many avenues for performing noble charity work such as moving as many units of Paris Hilton's self-titled CD as possible, so that she can reach her rightful place at the top of the charts. Or just do what every other wealthy woman in Hong Kong does - blow it all away on shopping while still looking dissatisfied with the life fate has dealt them.Next update: Friday September 8

Posted on: 6 September 2006 | 10:26 am

Dressage has everything to do with clothing

Lifestyle health and safety alert! Well-to-do people have been falling off horses lately, mainly because they haven't been taking the necessary precautions to manage risk and create a friendly horsey environment for all. When a horse kicks up a ruckus, it's no accident - often times it is merely voicing displeasure at your fashion choices. A few simple tweaks to your equestrian attire can tame even the most sullen of beasts.Some horses have deep-seated issues and desires dating back to their days as foals in repressed boarding schools. They make a big show of being unruly because they enjoy being disciplined, but only if a sexy headmistress is involved.Protective gear is a must unless Humpty Dumpty is your role model. Wrap the riding helmet in swathes of jersey cloth to prevent dislodgement. The body must also be bound tightly by a large bandage to minimise breasts and other swelling.If you watched the movies National Velvet and International Velvet, you will know that the star in each instance was the fabric, not the horse or its rider. Wear this and swish-clop swish-clop your way to victory.Long loose flowing gowns are probably the safest thing you can wear for horse riding. Most times you will get tangled up so tightly with the tack, you'll stay on no matter how bumpy the ride. Horses can sense when they are carrying someone whose sentiments are less than patriotic. Fortunately, thanks to blinkers they are oblivious to pants that are too tight and boots that are too tacky.With proper wardrobe planning, it is possible for heavily pregnant women to enjoy an exhilarating horseback experience. Remember to shield your delicate condition well otherwise you'll only end up spooking the horse.Next update: Wednesday 6 September

Posted on: 4 September 2006 | 9:56 am

And then a hero comes along

Potential disasters averted through the timely intervention of Tom CruiseOne day while Tom was making his daily rounds through suburbia in search of ordinary folk to rescue, he came upon Dave, a harried office worker who had just missed his car pool. Tom was about to offer Dave a lift in his Bugatti Veyron but decided to do one better. By running really fast like he does in his action movies, Tom managed to spin the world backward, reversing time and thereby allowing Dave to catch his usual ride.Some of Tom's lucky rescuees have never even met him before. For example, Fiona posted a desperate plea on an internet forum for help with her term paper which was due the following day. Masked behind the username OTVII, Tom graciously offered to share his vast technical knowledge on the topic area. Through the power of instant messaging, Tom was able to help Fiona produce a stellar piece of academic work titled the "History of Psychiatry".Janet had just come out of a bitter breakup with her ex-boyfriend and wanted to make some big changes in her life. In fact, she wasn't even sure whether she liked men anymore. Intent on exploring her sexual identity, she rocked up to the nearest lesbian bar to find Tom Cruise barring the doorway. Fortunately for Janet, Tom whisked her away for a romantic evening of sushi on his private jet, champagne in Paris and a luxurious rose petal bath. The experience convinced her not to stray off the path of heterosexuality and she went to successfully marry a man and have his babies.While filming Mission Impossible: 3 in China, Tom's people were approached by the village mayor of an impoverished rural area. The mayor was seeking donations to fund the economic and educational development of the province. In an incredible display of generosity, Tom bought each household a sonogram machine so that the villagers could check up on their unborn children in the comfort of their own homes.Tom saved a deer fawn's life when he was vacationing in Africa. He was travelling through the Serengeti wilderness and noticed a cheetah in fierce pursuit of a young buck. There was not enough time to jump into the fray so Tom let out his trademark manic laugh. It freaked the cheetah into thinking that some psycho hyena was on its tail, allowing the deer to scamper away into safety. An elderly couple were stranded on a highway recently when their car somehow sensed that Tom was in vicinity and promptly broke down. After pulling over and shouting "Here I come to save the day!", Tom quickly leapt into action to fix the problem. By the time the roadside technician arrived, Tom had sold the couple a used car and sent them on their way.Next update: Monday September 4

Posted on: 1 September 2006 | 10:10 am

The beginning of the end

I tell ya, it's not right what they're doing to Japan. The country has more than enough teenybopper idols of its own to worry about faded popstars from the West. And yet the Tokyo subway has been turned into an underground shrine to naked Britney. I don't know how they're planning to sway commuters with this latest piece of in-your-face advertising. After all Britney doesn't have much in common with the average Japanese woman apart from:1. Dark hair2. Their husbands can't rapPossibly overcome by a newfound respect for Britney after she refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant stomach, the authorities backed down on their demands for censorship. Korea would never have let that happen. They would have kept her clothed at all times even if it meant defiling their national costume.That's not to say that the Japanese national costume hasn't been despoiled already. That honour has been reserved for Paris Hilton who manages to make it look like post-coital origami folded by her man-hands.To Paris, Japan is more than a place where she can successfully market substandard handbags and jewellery. It has become her island of Moreau Horrors where she's been given full reign to design people. I fear that this is the beginning of the end of Japanese culture. From here on the dross of Western pop culture will usurp itself upon Japan, making the population forget about the simple pleasures of green tea, cherry blossom picnics and violent anime. This sort of thing can't be good for the children.Next update: Friday 1 September

Posted on: 31 August 2006 | 10:12 am

My recollection may not be entirely accurate

Oh the tyranny of long-haul flights. This is what becomes of not having friends who can "send for you" in a liveried private jet. Nevertheless I did thoroughly enjoy myself in Sydney. In fact you could say I had a swinging good time.As forecasted, there was a slight chill in the air which meant that we all had to wear arm-warmers with our string bikinis.One day it even rained but that did not stop me from parading down the impossibly trendy Oxford Street like a well-heeled local. People often appreciate it when you show them what's under those trenchcoats.When I wandered into David Jones the city's most exclusive department store, I knew that the afternoon would be well-spent. And spend I did, leaving not only my wallet considerably lighter but my head several kilos heavier, my shoulders bared and static clinging tighter to my crotchlines than Tara Reid to vodka-soaked D-list celebrity status.But nighttimes were the most fun of all. Sure getting into exclusive nightspots required a lot of stylishness but once you knew how to wield a riding crop with aplomb, they usually waved you through.Next update: Thursday August 31

Posted on: 30 August 2006 | 9:49 am

Southward ho

As autumn fast approaches, people are scrambling for exciting ways in which to spend the final, dying days of summer. The most obvious choice is to hang out by the pool in the hope that you will catch the eye of Matthew McConaughey. However I have chosen the lesser trodden path to Sydney to enjoy the last remains of a balmy winter. Unlike Mischa Barton however, I will not demand an exorbitant appearance fee to dress up in hideous native creations. No, no, I will pay for these entirely on my account. I already have my eye on a splotchy high-waisted jumpsuit thingy that will go nicely with an urban poseur attitude.While I am away on vacation, I suggest you avoid doing work as well. Catch up on cornucopia of imagery available on teh interweb. Lose your pants in a giant vat of chocolate. And grab the nearest deckchair that isn't already occupied by a miniature pig and soak up the sun.Next update: Wednesday August 30

Posted on: 20 August 2006 | 2:30 am

Miss Teen Cosplay 2006

Perfectly rehearsed answers given by cosplay contestants to standard pageant questionsWhat bothers you most about what is happening in the world today?The greatest threat we face comes from the alternate universe known as the Negaverse. Even as we speak, monsters from the Negaverse have infiltrated our world and are terrorising innocent citizens. Queen Beryl is gathering her evil armies to launch a devastating attack upon Earth, leaving it a barren wasteland just like the original Moon Kingdom whence I hail. If I win this competition I will make it my priority to defeat the forces of evil and save the world from almost-certain destruction!Many people believe that we still live in a male-dominated society. Have you ever wished you were of the opposite sex? Ew no, because boys are gross and klutzy and hairy in bad way. If I was a guy I wouldn't have such nice soft pink hair and I couldn't make with the glistening eyes and cute high-pitched voice to get what I want. And I think I would just roll over and die if I wasn't able to wear panties and provide the occasional fan service.What do you want to achieve in life?I look forward to the day where I can soar the majestic skies, basking in the exhilarating freedom of floating among the clouds, and raining down candy and diamonds on the landbound mortals below. Ha ha, then will I no longer be known as a Victoria's Secret chick with blue hair.What is the most important thing you have learnt from this competition?This whole experience has been a tremendous learning curve for me. I now know that it's better to be overdressed than underdressed for these things. One of the judges also tossed me a nugget of wisdom - "Bunny-girls are a dime a dozen," he said and I will certainly remember that one for next time.What special quality could you bring to the title you are competing for tonight?No doubt there are some very special girls here tonight and everyone is unique in their own way. However I challenge you to find someone who can bellydance their way into the hearts of homeless people and enthrall them into forgetting about their cold and miserable existence on the streets.What quality do you like most about yourself and why?My unwavering faith in a pair of tissue-wrapped oranges to lead me towards success. It helps me to stand out from the crowd, especially when that crowd includes a dude in a bright red donkey suit.How will you make a difference to this world?Clearly I am destined for greatness and the choices made during my quests will have an immeasurable impact on the future of society. Furthermore my sword has untold powers which I can invoke to reawaken the long lost race of magnificent dragons. Finally, I will usher in heralded era of world peace by fulfilling an ancient prophecy and go on to become Mariah Carey's personal stylist.Why do you want to win this title?The elven blood coursing through my veins has gifted me with a ruthlessly competitive streak and a relentless need to engage in CV-building extracurricular activities. Besides, I didn't spend 5 hours in makeup to be beaten by a bimbo who stuffs fruit down her tank top.Next update: Sunday 20 August

Posted on: 18 August 2006 | 10:02 am

The case for fashion belts

It took me god knows how long to achieve mastery of the belt as a fashion accessory, and I expect that it will take you the same amount of time too. Most people view the fashion belt with trepidation and rightly so. It strains disapprovingly against your stomach as you reach for dessert. It creates an extra obstacle when nature calls, turning a lavatory routine into a desperate race against time. It also has this annoying way on creeping up on you until you're practically up to your armpits in belt. But don't let all of this steer you into the pure folly of trying to get by without a belt. What may appear to be a minor omission has the potential to end up looking so so very wrong like below: Once you have accepted the belt into your daily regimen it will make perfect sense. It will be the first thing you reach for in your wardrobe. It will be the first thing you slip over your still-weary body, even before your underwear.Things that you wore in the "pre-belt" era will seem dim and fuzzy and not worth remembering. No matter how "dressed up" you are, you will feel practically undressed without a belt to complete your outfit.And if you happened to score an invite to a Miami Vice premiere, then wouldn't you want to wear something bright and eyecatching for Mr Farrell? The man is always looking for new challenges, new items of female apparel that he can undo in a matter of seconds.This young damsel has been using hers as a chastity belt following her public vow to remain celibate for a year. Legend has it that it will fall apart upon the touch of a true and handsome Greek prince aboard a fancy yacht.For men, belts no longer have to match their socks and shoes. What's more important is that they rapidly flash different colours and emit pulverising gamma rays because the office can get intense that way.Next update: Friday August 18

Posted on: 16 August 2006 | 10:17 am

Robots you need to have at some point in the future

As adolescence draws to a close, a young man's fancy lightly turns from 1.5 metre Gundam robots to machinery of the more feminine persuasion. How lucky we are to live in an age where fembots are no longer the stuff of late night fantasies.Meet Rong Cheng, the Chinese robot who has already been widely feted for her beauty and limited intelligence. Rong boasts the sort of beauty you get after using one too many skin-whitening creams. Her delicate features framed against a smooth, white and hard exterior are very reminiscent of movie star Nicole Kidman. In terms of life skills though, the robot is infinitely more versatile. She responds to 1000 Chinese words, she bows, she dances, and best of all she cracks open a nice cold beer without the aid of a bottle opener. So lifelike are her attributes that it is difficult to remember that under all that vibrant & womanly tulle lies a bunch of wires and circuits. The effect can be quite jarring when seeing the woman of your dreams being disassembled for routine maintenance but no less shocking than say, witnessing the normal wear and tear of a female celebrity.Besides female robots, it seems that in the future we're going to be having a lot more concierge robots as well. This bodes well because it means that rather than wreaking havoc and destruction upon each other, men will be more concerned about scoring hard-to-get restaurant tables and theater tickets to impress their robot dates. Roboconcierge may not be as sleek and lethal as T1000 but he will be able to arrange for the best seats on Broadway even if he has to go back in time to do so.Finally if your tastes run to female simians, good news is at hand because Beijing University has come up with a fetchingly hairy chimpanzee robot. The unattractive pink tracksuit is a dead giveaway that she is merely a prototype but as future models evolve, we can expect to see more leg and French manicured nails.Next update: Wednesday 16 August 2006

Posted on: 14 August 2006 | 10:01 am

Onerous concert guidelines

Onerous concert guidelines placed on foreign artists by Malaysian authoritiesFemale and male artists must keep crotch-to-crotch distances to a minimum of 5 inches when performing onstage together.There is to be no unnecessary displays of flesh or dilly-dallying on staircases. Obvious fake wigs are banned as they distract audience attention away from the substance of the performance.Please refrain from reaching out to wring the necks of your audience members.All maracas must be kept high where the authorities can see them, not hidden deep in the folds of tight shiny pants. Simulating frozen embryo transfer procedures does not constitute an approved dance move.Due to space restrictions, each male concertgoer is limited to bringing two females inside. Female companions must be accompanied on separate leashes.Next update: Monday 15 August

Posted on: 11 August 2006 | 10:09 am

You can't have your doughnut and eat it too

Look up the definition of mental anguish in the dictionary and you will find this picture. While Krispy Kreme churns out its Hot Original Glazed (TM) goodness in nearby Hong Kong, this boy is wasting away at the tritely named OK Slim summer camp. But let's look on the bright side. It is money well spent. For $825 (that's about 80 boxes of doughnuts) your son will learn to kick higher than a can-can dancer. Once they show the promise, the happy campers are coralled into learning tightly choreographed routines ripped from the set list of Madonna's Confessions tour.Soon each one will be a mini-mass of rippling muscle who can do 10,000 pushups in a few hours. Athletic scholarships will beat a path to your door, even though your kid has a higher testosterone level than a Tour de France champion.Don't even start with me, young man. If you think those weights are unbearable then wait till you see what's in store in Week 4.So what's it going to be, little boy? Doughnuts or rock hard abs? Choose carefully because one will lead you down the path of Val Kilmer.Next update: Friday 11 August

Posted on: 9 August 2006 | 10:52 am

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 53

In this fair city, a picture may be worth a thousand words but a few random words strung together provide an immeasurably valuable insight into the human condition, especially when they are on a t-shirt. What you are about to see may not make perfect sense but it probably means you need to work on your comprehension skills a little bit more. This top awaits the firm muscular strong-jawed body of a strapping lass. She is tired of being forced into the dainty and feminine frippery of modern casualwear. But at the same time she is not beyond using ornate cursive script to proclaim her inherent masculinity.She lost me at "here" but by using advanced GPS technology I managed to find my way to the end of the second sentence. It reads like the unfinished manuscript of something that had shades of greatness, something that a washed-out celebrity could have written in their rehab memoirs.So stylish that one can overcome the immutable laws of spelling and grammar! Kids these days and their lack of education *sigh* It's spelt c-a-r-n-a-l not carnival! This is what happens when you cross wacky Japanese stationery with personal ads. However the only people who meet up in this way are (a)relentlessly optimistic and (b)12 years old.Now that this long-hidden statement of truth is now out there in the open, we can discuss it more freely. To every boy who's been duped into thinking that a girl liked him, now you know that spending time in the backseat of your car was more about enjoying the leather upholstery and suspension capabilities than getting to third base.Next update: Wednesday 9 August

Posted on: 7 August 2006 | 10:36 am

If she could talk to the animals

The animal kingdom responds to Lindsay Lohan's problems with dehydration Not wanting to be Captain Obvious here, but a daily diet of fresh fruits goes a long way. Show me a chilled fruit platter at breakfast and I'll show you an employee who's never late for work.Avoid heavy meats like pork and guzzle on a refreshing vegetable salad instead. Freeze first for an all-natural icy treat with a crunchy centre. If you use dry ice, this thing could feed you for the entire week.I would have thought that a megastar like her gets personally hosed down when heat exhaustion starts to kick in. If I were her I would demand that my trailer comes with a set of sprinklers for me to run through.I find that strangers are generally more than willing to share their ice creams on a hot summer's day. There is very little risk involved for someone who already has more germs than the average human.I've run out of claws to count the number of different bikinis she has worn in public but I can't actually remember when was the last time I actually saw her in the water. Come on in Lindsay, the water's lovely! Girl's got a tongue hasn't she so why doesn't she use it properly? Panting is an effective way of getting cool quickly because it allows cool air to circulate into the body and evaporates moisture from the tongue. And that concludes your science lesson for today.Lying sprawled naked on a bed of ice also helps. I bet there would be people willing to pay good money to see that. It's all about what lifestyle choice you make. When I held my birthday party, the theme was black & white. When Lindsay celebrates her birthday, the theme is high as a kite. Go figure which one of us going to end up in rehab first.I don't see what the big deal is about her. I much prefer Nicole Richie.Next update: Monday 7 August

Posted on: 4 August 2006 | 10:22 am