Shame - the Root of All Sexual Problems

Acculturated Shame Primes the Pumpof Sex Addiction In AmericaShame - the Root of All Sexual ProblemsSince the day that Adam and Eve were forced to relinquish their innocence through expulsion out of the Garden of Eden, and damned throughout eternity to wear a grape vine, signifying the “shame” of their “nakedness” (sexuality), there have been few periods in history when mankind has not been tortured and conflicted by the moral ambiguities inherent in that most mysterious, sublime and devious aspect of the human mind and psyche, his sexuality.The last three decades have ostensibly make great strides in a sexual “revolution” and I suppose some strides have been made. But in the year 2013, we find ourselves living in a highly sexual culture, as evidenced by the media, while at the same time, open, intimate conversations about sex elicits feelings of embarrassment and shame. No matter how liberal we think we are, the sexuality of all of us has been culturally shamed.The Church and the Family are the two main culprits involved in teaching children to be embarrassed about sex. In addition to acculturated shame, shame is introduced to individual children and young people in countless ways.. Some are sexual abuse, emotional abuse of sexuality, sexual secrecy, exposure to pornography, religious shaming, incorporating the split-off sexual shame of a parent. Even subtle parental discomfort about discussing things sexual, conveys to the child that the world of sexuality is shameful.There are any number of ways, both subtle and overt, in which one can learn that sexuality per se is shameful. Hence, individuals in our society are quickly faced with an intolerable dilemma: how to come to terms with a vital part of the self that is seen as inherently bad.Exploratory genital touching, masturbatory activities, sexual curiosity, childhood sexual play, and adolescent sexual strivings are ready targets for any number of shame-inducing responses on the part of with parents or others who play a role in the child world A pattern of parental responses which either call too much attention to the behavior in questions thereby engendering self-consciousness, or directionality the child for it, can eventuate in a sex/shame bind.As adults, people may come to experience their sexual life either as a testing ground for the adequacy or else as an arena in which perfromance expectations otherwise abound. Our natural sexual response is a health one. However, once performace enterest the scene, we become overly watchful of ourselves, scritinizing our own bodily reactions such that spontatneous sexual responses are disrupted.If we feel a need to sexually perform, then the pressure is experienced internally to live up to those expectations of ourselves and will mask any possible sexual pleasure.Shame is focused on sexuality more than any other human quality – worldwide. While sex is considered a wonderful, enjoyable aspect of being human, at the same time, a seemingly contradictory cultural belief that it is wrong and bad still underlies our more positive views. The perception of sexual the “badness” of our sexuality effects our feelings about our bodies, our attractiveness to others, value to others and even our right to be alive.Sexual Shame in The Therapeutic Community.A person looking for help with a sexual issues doesn't know WHERE he should go. Amongst therapists who specialize in human sexuality, rarely does a person specializing in one area of treatment know about the other two ahead. Traditional sex therapists focus on sexual behavior, even when childhood sex abuse or sex addiction become evident. Therapists treating sex abuse may obscure sexual addiction. Training for sex addiction may pay attention to the importance of abuse, but hardly any to healthy sexual functioningThrough the subtle lack of coordination of effort on the part of therapists who treat sexual problems, the power of sexual shame is removed from one integrated approach. “Divide and conquer” and avoid the power and presence of sexual shame in all three areas.Sexual shame inhibits sexual loving and underlies most sexual assumptions, including sex addiction.Being a Sexual PersonEvery person learns an arsenals of maneuvers to allow us to be sexual without feeling shame. These strategies don't remove shame from sex, but allows a person to be sexual without awareness of the shame.Next: Sex Addiction as one of the Ways of Out-Maneuvering Sexual Shame.Links: www.sextreatment.comFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 13 May 2013 | 7:33 pm

The Fruits of Sex Addiction Recovery - A Healthy Personality

Dorothy Hayden, LCSWNew York, NY 10003212-673-5717www.sextreatment.com   The Fruits of Recovery-- A Healthy PersonalityIf you view the end result of the recovery process exclusively as the cessation of addictive behavior, you're selling yourself short.Active addiction is merely a symptom of your core problems. You can be free from addiction for a period of time but if you haven't done the hard work of introspection, self-understanding and change, your old addiction friend will sooner or later come to visit.Addiction, especially sex addiction, involves a developmental arrest in the personality from inadequate parenting. You literally get “stuck” because an active addiction prohibits psychological growth. If your main coping mechanism is going to the addiction when you have unwanted feelings or normative stress from living, you never develop higher-level ways of functioning and coping.Letting go of compulsive sexuality will allow you to continue that growth. Growth towards what? MATURITY?Maybe you're wondering what THAT is. Well, below is a list of the characteristics of a healthy personality so you know what you could be striving for in ongoing recovery.What is a Healthy Personality?In a healthy personality, the self evolves from being focused only upon itself to a widening range of people and activities. There's a sense of focused personal involvement and participation in the activities of work and love.A healthy personality has the capacity for intimacy and the capacity for compassion. The person shows authentic participation with their loved ones and concern for their welfare. Compassion is a sense of kinship with and empathy for all people because we all have our frail humanity in common.Maturity includes self-acceptance, frustration tolerance and emotional control. Healthy people live with their shortcomings with little conflict within themselves. They have a basic sense of security in the self and basic trust in people and whatever spiritual meaning they embrace.Mature people do not distort reality to make it compatible with their desires and fears. They accept and adjust to reality for what it is.Healthy people believe in the importance of work and lose themselves in this activity. Work and responsibility provide meaning and a sense of continuity to life.Healthy people can reflect on their own feelings, thoughts, impulses and desires and on the behaviors and motivations of other people. They consider the consequences of their actions and make conscious choice in the interest of their own “enlightened self-interest”.Mature people have a sense of directedness which guides all aspects of a person's life toward a goal or a series of goals and give meaning to life. Should it unfold that a particular goal is unattainable, they cultivate new goals.Sounds pretty OK, yeah? Just keep doing the next right thing and the serenity and self-esteem of having a healthy personality can be yours.CALL NOW FOR A FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION212-673-5717For a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 6 May 2013 | 2:05 pm

Entrepreneur Discusses Core Values

I'm always harping about the importance of knowing your values as an antidote to your active addiction.  Here's confirmation from a guy who uses them to make money.  Surely you can use them to save your life? DorothyDefine Your Personal Core Values: 5 Steps If your company has core values, shouldn't you? Establishing your own personal guidelines can remove risk and accelerate success.shutterstock imagesMost concede the power of core values in business. Jim Collins made a great case in Built to Last. But it's difficult to accurately create or accept core values for your company if your own personal core values are unclear.Many claim to understand their own values, but I maintain you don't really know them until you have:Articulated them clearly in writing.Tested them through daily decision-making.Much like company core values, your personal core values are there to guide behavior and choice. Get them right and you'll be swift and focused in your decision-making, with clear direction. Get them wrong or leave them ambiguous, and you'll constantly wonder how you got into this mess.Although your personal core values may not exactly match anyone else's, they still help you determine your surrounding culture. Most smart people consciously or unconsciously use personal core values to select friendships, relationships and business partnerships. Your core values also help you wisely manage your personal resources such as time and money.Simply put, I use my personal core values as decision guidelines that keep me true to myself, and out of trouble. Here are mine with brief descriptions:TruthSome people are skilled liars. I am not. I function best when people are direct and honest. I make it clear in conversation and in writing that truth is necessary in my world, no matter how painful. This is probably why I thrive as a New Yorker.DiligenceI am a contact management freak. I focus on punctuality, returning phone calls and e-mails within the hour or at least the day whenever possible. I hear screaming in my head if I have left anyone hanging. I also make sure my statements are substantiated, hence the reason you'll rarely see me speak in absolutes without doing my homework.ConsistencySince people pay attention to my writing and talks, credibility is critical, and I have a lot to live up to. Hypocrisy is deadly in my world and this core value reminds me to integrate humor, the Awesome Experience, ROAR! and all my other lessons into my life and work, every single day.CreativityYou would think a writer, marketer, and theater graduate wouldn't need creativity as a core value. But when it's been a long month of travel, it's 3 a.m. and the column, speech, or book chapter is pending, I have to remind myself that I need to take that extra step to make my material compelling so I can intrigue, entertain, and connect with my audience.ImpactLike most entrepreneurs, I see potential everywhere. This value reminds me to disregard when my brain is saying: "I can do that!" and instead ask the question: "Should I do that?" The criteria are simple: Maximum results for minimum effort. Each shiny new opportunity gets evaluated this way.Some of my personal traits like passion, integrity, and energy don't qualify in my mind as core values because I follow these instinctively without consideration. They are unnecessary in my decision making process. I refer to them as my Table Stakes.Now it's your turn to identify your values.Personal Core Values Exercise:Grab a notebook. It's time to do some writing. Give yourself quiet space, no distractions, and at least an hour to reflect on each section.Step 1--Think through and describe the following in detail:What have been your three greatest accomplishments?What have been your three greatest moments of efficiency?What are any common rules or themes that you can identify?Step 2--Think through and describe the following in detail:What have been your three greatest failures?What have been your three greatest moments of inefficiency?What are any common rules or themes that you can identify?Step 3--Identify three or four brief sentences of advice you would give to yourself based upon these commonalities.Step 4--Next try and reduce them to a few words. For example: If your advice is: "Don't overindulge in food and booze at parties and get in trouble," reduce that down to Keep Control Through Moderation, or even Moderation.Step 5--Now comes the fun. You need to test the value. Think of a situation where following your core value hurts you rather than helps you. For example you might think Innovation sounds good until you realize that your life thrives on stability rather than constant change. You have to think it through carefully. If you can't identify a legitimate case where the value steers you wrong, you probably have a good core value.Know that this process requires focused time and thought. I recommend doing it with someone you trust. Then you'll get honest feedback and you can help each other. It may require several discussions over weeks or even months. Your values may adjust and develop over time just as you do, so embrace the change.As Mahatma Ghandi said, "Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny."Like this post? If so, sign up here and never miss out on Kevin's thoughts and humor.An Inc. 500 entrepreneur with a more than $1 billion sales and marketing track record,Kevin Daum is the best-selling author of Video Marketing for Dummies. @awesomeroarwww.KevinDaum.comFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 6 May 2013 | 8:33 am

Sex Addiction as a Mental Health Condition

Sex addiction to become a mental health conditionZEENIA F BARIA, TNN Dec 22, 2012, 12.42PM ISTTags(It’s official now:…)  Sex addiction will no longer be a loosely used term. A team of experts from the University of California, Los Angeles ( UCLA), have now tested a proposed set of criteria to define hypersexual disorder — more popularly known as sex addiction — as a new mental health condition. Senior sex therapist and counsellor Dr (Prof.) Rajan Bhonsle defines addiction as a compulsive 'preoccupation' with any activity. "When any obsession starts affecting major aspects of a person's life and relationships, it is classified as an addiction. Sexual addiction, therefore, implies an inability to control one's sexual behaviour despite its negative consequences. It leaves a person dysfunctional in all other areas of life such as study, work, relationships, social obligations, family life and personal health and hygiene. Some people have a higher libido. As long as it doesn't make them dysfunctional in any aspect of their life, it is not an addiction. But if they have conflicts over it, or worse, are doing things on the sly, then it is a case of sex addiction," says Dr Bhonsle. Adds clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany, "Sex addiction is when a person has a markedly increased amount of sex to feel sexually fulfilled. He/she also shows a persistent desire to spend abnormal amounts of time fulfilling sexual cravings. This obsession, or intense desire for sex, increases each day and a person struggles to cut down or control his behaviour in spite of the damage it causes ." Diagnosis Diagnosis is made by a trained and experienced therapist, purely on the basis of a patient's detailed case history, which is compiled after talking to the person and/or his close relatives and friends. "There are no tests to diagnose sex addiction. It is as prevalent in India as it is in the West or any other part of the world," says Dr Bhonsle. Treatment Counselling and psychotherapy (multimodal approach) should be done by a trained therapist. "The multimodal approach, which includes the Robert Carkhuff model of counselling, a combination of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), has been found effective. Pharmacotherapy is advised for primary or secondary emotional problems while family therapy studies and manages the stress factors at home. It also involves close family members in the therapy,"says Dr Bhonsle. "For successful treatment, it is important that the therapist is fully trained. Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help those who have been sexually abused and have developed the disorder because of that trauma," explains Hingorrany. Being supportive Family support is an important part of the treatment plan. "A psychologist explains to the patient's spouse how sex addiction is a treatable disorder of the mind. Patience and support from the spouse really helps," says Hingorrany. SymptomsCompulsive masturbation (self-stimulation) Excessive thoughts about sex Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs) Multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands Persistent use of pornography Unsafe sex Phone or computer sex (cybersex) Indulging in prostitution or visiting prostitutes Obsessive dating through personal ads Voyeurism and/or stalking Sexual harassment, molestation and rape (in extreme cases)source:  The India TimesFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 31 December 2012 | 11:02 pm

Understanding Shame and Addiction

Shame is a much misunderstood and neglected emotion.  Yes, it lies at the core of so much human suffering in particular addiction and more specifically sex addiction.Even parents that are not abusive to their children shame them routinely.  Little Jo goes to mother after she was cheated at playing a game with friends and mother says "You're not really angry, you're just tired.", or a boy is told by his father "Real boys don't cry; be strong, take it like a man" (Of course he's only three!!)  In each case, the childn's experience is shamed and thereby disavowed, misidentified and eventually repressed. It is lost to conscious awareness, no longer freely available for expression.Shame is not embarrassment; embarrassment in an outgrowth of shame as is shyness, social isolation and self-hating inner thoughts.  Shame is frequently tied to the failing of ideal (not realistic) self and that ideal is a perfectionistic one that seeks to compensate, or undo, the parental shaming that occurred in childhood.Shame strikes deepest into the human psyche; it is a sickness within the self, a disease of the spirit.Shame is the most deeply disturbing experience of the self by the self.  Shame is crucial to the development of identity, conscience and to a sense of dignity.  Shame is equally central to the development of self-esteem and intimacy.While guilt is a bad feeling about a particular behavior which can be atoned for and changed, shame tells us that WE are inadequate, unworthy, less than human, outside the human experience. And because it is WE who are intrinsically bad, there's nothing that can be done about it, giving rise to despair.  There is a type of shame as a feeling that functions simply to increase awareness and passes rather quickly, another type of shame, sometimes called "internalized shame" or "toxic shame" means we have accepted "badness" as our essential identity.  It becomes internalized and magnified to the point that it now progressively captures and dominates the self.  It becomes a cancerous growth on the human soul.Is Shame The Cause of Addiction?It is not true that shame is THE cause of addiction.  While shame is central to much that causes human suffering, it is not the only source of disturbance and dysfunction.  The principal cause of addiction is the experience of intolerable negative feelings, shame included.  The addict first becomes dependent on a "mood changer" that lessens the intensity of unwanted feeling states.  While any combination of feelings may be involved, shame, or a derivative of it, is usually predominant.  It's important to understand that shame usually functions on an unconscious level, so you may be feeling all sorts of things without attributing them to shame.Therapy helps connect that dots and name the real culprit which is often that you have an unaccepting and even self-hating relationship to yourself.In addition to primary shame, the shame that comes from childhood and thus precedes the development of addictive dependency, there is also secondary shame, the inevitable shame about being addicted to anything, never mind sex.  Sex addicts are controlled by their addiction which intensifies shame and also adds further fuel to the addictive process to escape the shame of being addicts!!!For a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 18 December 2012 | 10:40 pm

Sex Addiction is Not a Moral Issue

Sex is surely one of the most powerful of all human experiences.  It can drive people to the pinnacle of ecstasy or it can spiral others to the depths of self-loathing and despair.  Sexual expression is meant to tie, or connect, to our core sense of self.  Sexual energy is part of our life force, our energy for creative and productive attainments, and the source of our passion for life.A core sense of self is the part of use that has self-awareness and self-understanding, a vision our our true nature or authenticity.  Healthy sexuality gives rise to a desire to connect and enhances our sense of well-being.  Positively expressing ourselves sexually is a life-enhancing experience; it is an expressing of true caring, an exchange of reciprocal pleasuring that cements an intimate connection.The sex addict may think this is what he is experiencing.  The opposite, however, is true.  Sex for the sex addict involves high intensity, danger, constant novelty,  a sense of power and conquest, emotional numbing and getting a high from the "rush".  Sex addiction shores up a fragile ego and is a self-serving, exploitative, event.  Even if the person is involved with giving another pleasure, the purpose is to build his ego and intensify his own pleasure.  Pleasure giving does not come from a heart that is generous and loving.There is no consequence that stops the sex addict: loss of self esteem, shame about his activities, marital discord, lost time and productivity, career and educational setbacks or loss of his dignity.  The addict is caught in an intoxicating dance that is based on fantasy and a distorted sense of reality.  I believe that the purposeful choice of a state of mind that distorts reality is an act of self-hate and represents a form of insanity.  Furthermore, a life that is ridden in fantasy is another form of self-hate.  Why would a person be so desperate to be something other than he is?Remaining stuck in the cycle of sex/porn addiction is deadly,  No, not physical death, but the death of your true, authentic self.  It is a form of "soul" death that is masked when on the "hunt" or lost in a computer screen.  Of course, the sex addict experiences a sense of power and control when in the "erotic haze" which is the opposite experience of the reality that he is really powerless and out-of-control.  It is only after the orgasm and the lifting of the "erotic haze" that he experiences the magnitude of his inability to control himself.Despite what the general population may think, sex addiction is NOT a moral issue; nor is in a weakness in the ability to exercise will and self-control.It is a legitimate addiction and represents the only coping mechanism an addict has at his disposal to regulate intense feeling states born out of the his emotional and psychic wounds stemming from childhood experiences from long ago.Sex addiction treatment teaches skills or coping mechanisms to deal with both external and internal realities so the addict doesn't need to resort to returning to his addiction to cope. Call Us. We Can Help.  212/673-5717sex addiction therapist, sex addiction counseling,counseling for sex addiction,sex addict counseling, love addiction recovery, sex addiction treatment, treatment for sex addiction, porn addiction help,break porn addiction, how to quit porn, how to break porn addictionFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 12 December 2012 | 8:02 pm

What is Love Addiction?

We have all known her or him. The serial dater. The one who drags you to the party or event so she won’t be alone when she’s out there looking. The friend that rapturously describes every detail of her ideal lover in the heat of summer, but who you just know will be out there looking again by Halloween.It can be difficult to understand how the gifts of love and romance can evolve into destructive, compulsive patterns. Yet for the love addicted, romance, sexuality, and emotional closeness are experiences more often beset with painful emotional highs and lows than gifted with real intimacy or love. Living in a chaotic, sometimes desperate world of need and emotional despair, fearful of being alone or rejected, the love addict endlessly longs for that “special” relationship, his or her other half, the one that will make him feel complete. She lives in fear of never finding HIM, or worse, afraid that when she does meet that special guy she herself will be found unworthy of love. No matter how clever, how smart, how physically attractive or successful, the love addict feels incomplete and haunted by a desire for partnership that if fulfilled would somehow make life complete.Ruth, a 38-year-old school teacher had this to say about her search for romantic love:Eventually I began to hide my dates. I didn’t want my friends to know that I met someone new because so many times in the past I had said, “He’s the one,” and then have it not work out. I thought they would laugh at me if I brought yet another guy to the table. In desperation I tried dating clubs, speed dating, Internet sites, and even attending synagogue – though I’m not Jewish. I asked everyone I know to introduce me to someone they could see me dating.And then there were the hobbies I didn’t even like, desperately hoping to find HIM while making ceramics, going hiking, or playing bad tennis. When I found one sometimes I would have sex right away hoping that would work, other times I would avoid sex until we knew each other better – trying to find the mix that would get it to WORK OUT but it never did. For a while I thought maybe I wasn’t cute or smart enough, later I just blamed the guys I dated for being screwed up. Ultimately it seemed no matter how hard I tried or where I put the blame, I ended up alone. Over time, my life became more and more about looking for the right guy and less and less about enjoying myself and doing the things that make me happy.Caught up in the constant search for a partner, the love addict’s endless intrigue, flirtations, sexual liaisons and affairs often leave a path of destruction and negative consequences in their wake. Ironically, he or she has likely had many opportunities for a ‘good enough’ loving experience, but all they know is the intensity of “falling in love” or the drama of “the problem relationship,” while ignorant of the relative calm of true intimacy. Struggling to have the spouse or relationship that everyone else seems to have and he or she does not, they attempt to resolve these painful circumstances by engaging in even more searching, desperately looking for THE ONE.A sad irony is that even when dating someone who is safe, stable, and appropriate, he or she often becomes steadily more dissatisfied and anxious. Bored and fearful of being trapped with the wrong person, the love addict will shove aside a perfectly acceptable situation or start looking outside of their good relationship for yet another new intensity or “love” experience. Thus the cycle begins anew.Addictive relationships are characterized by unhealthy dependency, guilt, and abuse. Unconsciously convinced of their lack of worth and not feeling truly lovable, the love addict may use seduction, control, guilt, and manipulation to attract and hold onto a romantic or sexual partner. At times, despairing about a cycle of unhappy affairs, broken relationships, and liaisons, he or she may try a “swearing off” period, not unlike the anorexic stage of an eating disorder. They may for a while decide that “not being in the game at all” will solve the problem, only to later find the same issues reappearing whenever intimacy is reattempted. Their denial of the problem can be seen in the ways he or she avoids taking responsibility for past or present relationship problems, blaming date after date rather than looking in the mirror. Like the alcoholic who offers up stressful jobs or financial problems as justification for his excessive drinking, the love addicts’ cycle of dramatic and empty relationships keeps her ever distracted from taking stock of herself or gaining the insight required for change.Recovering love addicts who have worked on themselves in therapy and 12-step programs like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) can relate to the idea of having used a well-rehearsed repertoire of manipulation to find and hold on to sexual and romantic partners. Jose, a 32-year-old gay male designer put it like this:I never once went to a gym without looking around for someone to date or if that failed, at least someone who I could get to have sex with me. In life I was always dressed to find HIM and always hunting in one form or another to find the special attention and sense of importance that only HE might make me feel if I could just find HIM. It was necessary for my healing and recovery for me to recognize all the sexual and other strategies I used to employ to attract and manipulate men for what they were. As I slowly began to cast these aside, with the support of 12 step members, friends, and therapy I actually began to learn my own value and real human worth, which over time has helped to remove the powerful and empty fantasy life that I lived in for so long.Unlike the kind of partnership and dependency that many of us seek to compliment our lives, the love and romance addict searches for someone outside of themselves to provide the emotional stability they lack within. Working to escape their own emptiness, they may find troubled or emotionally challenged partners to focus on, thereby giving away to others what they most want for themselves.Ultimately as their own emotional needs remain unmet, the love addict may act out through verbal or physical abuse of a partner or though excessive spending, sex addiction, affairs, or drugs, experiences that will ultimately reinforce the very feelings of shame, self hatred, and loneliness that he or she seeks to escape. When love and sex are sought as a means to distract from emotional pain, partner choice becomes skewed. Compatibility becomes based on “whether or not you will leave me,” “how intense our sex life is,” or “how I can hook you into staying” rather than on how much we have in common and whether you might truly become a peer, friend, and companion.Here are some typical signs of love or romantic addiction:Frequently mistaking intense sexual experiences or romantic infatuation for loveConstantly searching for romance and loveUsing sex as a means to find loveFalling in love with people ‘met’ online yet hasn’t met them in real lifeProblems maintaining intimate relationships once the newness and excitement has worn offConsistent unhappiness or anxiety when aloneWhen not in a relationship, misusing sex to mask lonelinessConsistently choosing abusive or emotionally unavailable partnersGiving emotionally, financially, or otherwise to partners who require a great deal of care-taking but do not or can not reciprocate what they are givenWhen in a relationship feeling detached, fearful, or unhappy; when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and aloneUsing sex, money, seduction, drama, or other schemes to “hook” or hold onto a partnerMissing out on important family, career, recreational, or social experiences in order to find, create, or maintain a romantic relationshipGiving up, by avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time, to “solve the problem”Being unable to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to self or othersReturning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others not toFor those seeking a long-term a relationship, healthy romantic intensity is the catalyst that brings about the bonding necessary to sustain love and attachment. The beginning stages of a potential love relationship are the most exhilarating because that emotional state helps us to bond and attach. This is when how that date looks, walks, talks, eats, and thinks is the subject of endless fantasy, excitement, and late night phone calls. Romance itself, with or without sex, does encourage personal growth when we are open to learning. Only then can each new relationship offer insight and self-awareness. Most people easily relate to that “rush” of first love and romance, the stuff of endless songs, greeting cards, and fantasy, but understand that it is a temporary state and not the final product of a healthy relationship.More than romance, intensity, or even great sex, real intimacy is an experience of being known and accepted by someone over time. Loving relationships develop in part as those first exhilarating times together form a foundation of a deeper, long-term closeness. It is that deeper closeness which ultimately feeds our hearts and keeps us content long after the rush of new romance has passed. Those with significant patterns of problem love and sex relationships like those described above need to get help –and help is available. With the support of addiction therapists trained to treat sex and love addiction, 12-step and faith-based groups, and taking a “time out” from dating in order to learn and grow, the romance/love addict can move beyond the desperate search for a partner and into the long-term intimacy, health, and the dignity they truly desire. source; www.sexualrecovery.comsex addiction therapist, sex addiction counseling,counseling for sex addiction,sex addict counseling, love addiction recovery, sex addiction treatment, treatment for sex addiction, porn addiction help,break porn addiction, how to quit porn, how to break porn addictionFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 12 December 2012 | 2:47 pm

Who are Sex Addicts and What Are They Hoping to Find in Sex?

                   Addicted to Sex?Who are sex addicts and what are they hoping to find through their compulsive sexual behavior? Sex addicts are people who, afraid of real, intimate relationships, repeatedly and compulsively try to connect with others through highly impersonal, non intimate behaviors: masturbation, empty affairs, frequent visits to prostitutes, voyeurism, and the Like. Sex addicts -- numbering in the millions -- become intoxicated with the euphoria and rush of their own brain chemicals, particularly dopamine. Their addiction is not really to sex, but rather to the intense state of sexual arousal ("The Erotic Haze") that is an instant mood changer. They achieve entry into the erotic haze through obsessive, highly ritualized sexual behavior.Anyone who has ever experienced an orgasm knows the tremendous power of sex. The incredible rush of sexual pleasure a person feels during orgasm is indeed intoxicating. However, a person who is not addicted to sex, no matter how much or how often he enjoys sex, can have fun and find pleasure engaging in other relationships and activities. The sex addict, however, finds little pleasure or gratification in doing anything else. He sees the world through a sexualized lens. For sex addicts, the quest to duplicate this "rush", this sexual euphoria over and over becomes an obsession.The price of this intense preoccupation with sex is often marital strifeor loss of a partner, decreased productivity on the job, emotional abandonment of his children. Jobs, family, friends and personal wellness are sacrificed as the addict ritualistically endeavors to recapture the erotic haze again and again. Sex addicts feel compelled by their sexual ritual to inexorably act out, no matter how much it betrays their values and standards of acceptable behavior.How Much Sex is Too Much Sex?Sex addiction is not defined by the amount or type of sexual activity involved, but on the particular relationship the person has to compulsive sexual experiences. It is a pathological relationship because it is a misguided substitute for healthy relationships, because it is designed to get meets met that cannot GET MET through sexual behavior, and because it is a coping mechanism that has increasingly severe negative consequences.A person can masturbate three times a day or have sex with his partner three times daily and still not be a sex addict. When a sex addict masturbates, masturbation becomes the focus of their lives and is their primary, or exclusive, coping mechanism. The only way they know to soothe themselves is through masturbation or other forms of ritualized sex. The sex addict thinks about sex almost all the time and compulsively masturbates whenever they get the chance.Uncontrolled lust is a powerful force that changes behaviors, values, thoughts and feelings, eventually becoming the main focus of life. However, the intense pleasure of the erotic haze makes it impossible to stop their behaviors, despite increasingly negative consequences. Obsession with immediate gratification through intense sexual arousal blinds them to the consequences of their actions and compels them to act in ways that conflict with their essential values. Sex Addiction Parallels AlcoholismSex addicts use sex just as alcoholics use alcohol: as an anesthetizer that allows them to escape painful realities and as a way to regulate their moods. Like alcoholics, sex addicts turn to sex whenever they feel stress or anxiety. As dependence on the behavior progresses, the sex addicts come to therapy, the present with feeling states that duplicate the feelings of alcoholics who first come to treatment. I words I hear are: loss of self-esteem, despair, loneliness, frustration, guilt, anger and self-hatred.Sex addicts new to treatment often feel their sexual behaviors involve immoral, weird, disgusting actions that feel them with shame and self contempt. Yes, in the grip of compulsion, they cannot stop their behavior without help. If you have only one way of dealing with internal, unwanted feelings, and that way has destructive consequences, it stunts your growth and development as an evolving individual. Sex addicts keep going to the source of their supply, painful as it may be, because it's what they know how to do.Recovery is a process of learning new ways, of having more freedom of choice, of becoming mature in the way you deal with life's stressors. There is a Way Out The endless cycle of sex addiction can be stopped. Hanging out the white flag, going to 12-step meetings or group therapy and having the willingness to begin a curative, nurturing, non-judgmental relationship with a therapist is the beginning of the end and the entrance to freedom from compulsion.For a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 9 December 2012 | 1:52 pm

Characteristics of Sex Addiction

Although the compulsive use of sexuality is as old as mankind, the conceptualization of it as an 'addiction" goes only back to the early 80's.   Therefore, there are a range of definitions of sexual addiction.Patrick Carnes says, "The sex addict substitutes a sick relationsip to an event or process for a healthy relationship with others.  The addict's relationship with a mood-altering 'experience' becomes central to his life."Charlotte Eliza Kasl says, "Addiction is, essentially, a spiritual breakdown, a journey away from the truth into emotional blindness.  Sexul addiction is about more than relationshhips or pairing.  It is a state of mind and a set of beliefs that can exist separately from other people.  It is about a relationship with oneself."Both these writers definitions emphasize important aspect of a sexual addiction.  Sex addiction, like any addiction, is mood altering.  It affect the individual like any mood-altering drug.  Sexual obsession becomes a "fix," and addicts get their "high" from the sexual fix.As in all addictions, in sex addiction there is a breadown of the addict's own personal morality.  There is a progressive movement away from truth.  The addict moves away from reality and toward the state of "insanity", defined as living in a state of perceptual distortion.  It is an obsession and preoccupation with sex, in which everything is defined sexually or by its sexuality and all perceptions and relationships are sexualized.Like all other addicts, sex addicts become progressively dishonest, self-centered, isolated, fearful, confused, devoid of feelings, controlling, perfectionistic, blinded to their problem (denail), blaming and dysfunction. In short, their lives become progressively unmangeable.For a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 6 December 2012 | 12:21 pm

The Marvelous Dopamine Rush of Internet Porn

Understanding certain ideas about the biochemistry of your brain, how internet porn addiction affects your brain and how your brain affects your addiction allows you to steer your ship more skillfully when you’re going through the detoxification process of getting off porn.The central point is this:  porn has over-stimulated your brain and your brain has changed, resulting in a decrease in your sense of overall well-being, not to mention your ability to be sexual with a real-life partner.The super-stimulation of artificial sexuality does the same thing to your brain that drugs like cocaine and methamphetamine do.  Your reward receptors get full of the neurochemical dopamine and you feel great.Every type of reward that has been studied, in fact, increases the level of dopamine in the limbic system of the brain.  The limbic system is the primitive part of the brain that ensures survival, governs emotions, and is the seat of all desires and drives.  This is the area of the brain where all addiction happens.  When the limbic system is out of balance, you’re all about avoiding pain/discomfort and you aim at the experience and re-experience of pleasure.YOU’RE NOT REALLY ADDICTED TO PORNOGRAPHY, YOU’RE ADDICTED TO THE "DOPAMINE RUSH" YOU GET FROM IT.The “erotic haze” you’re able to stay in for hours and hours is fueled by dopamine spikes in the limbic part of your brain.So the great thing about the “dopamine rush” is that you feel euphoric for lengthy periods of time.  Time passes by while you're immersed in a separate world, free from physical or emotional discomfort.  Problems, frustrations, irritations don't exist.  All that exists is you getting  your needs met.  The focus is entirely on you, you have perfect control over other "people".  Nothing beats it.Now for the downside.I had a gay uncle whom I adored as a child and young woman.  In contrast to the dullness of life in the drab suburbs, Uncle Ray sparkled.  He lived in the glorious isle of Manhattan in an enchanting apartment in Gramacy Park.  He took me to the theater and to the best restaurants.  He introduced me to music.  He had Stuben glassware on his table and ate from fine china.  He had nothing, if not taste, style and humor.Towards the end of his life from the AIDS virus, he had become seriously addicted to cocaine.  He stopped working at his lucrative job to become a dealer.  When we’d meet for dinner, his garb was dirty and crumbled in contradistinction from his past dashing and elegant way of dressing.  When once I went to his apartment, no longer the enchanting home in GramacyPark, I had to wade through knee-high trash and garbage.  There were layers of dirt under layers of dirt.  He no longer held any interest in the theater or in music or in living the “gay” life.He had long ago lost his appetite and he looked emaciated.  The desire for cocaine satiation had become stronger than the need for food and water.  His very survival instincts had been shut down.How are we to understand the transformation from a vibrant, fun, successful human being to a marginalized person whose inner life was marked by restlessness, agitation and paranoia?NEXT:  What happened to Uncle Ray?: the downside of euphoriaFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 3 December 2012 | 5:17 pm

Sex Addiction as Retreat from Intimacy/Turning Away from "Self"

People form defenses to cope with excessive conditions of stress experienced in growing up.  A defense, put simply, is a way to cope with anxiety.   It invariably does the job of easing anxiety, but is immature  in nature because they born out of a child's view of the world.   When we become adults, these defenses, which worked so well in childhood, work unconsciously to distort reality and lessen our ability to function effectively and to have meaningful intimate relationships.Because early-life relationships with caretakers were traumatizing, painful and disappointing, some children chose solitude and isolated activities over the company of other family members or their peers.  As adults, they eschew the challenges of making a deep commitment to a long-term, intimate relationship because they experienced having been thirsty and repeatedly going to an empty well for nourishment.  The chronic disappointment of not getting emotional needs met teaches a person to not trust interpersonal relationships but rather to turn "inwards" for self-gratification and self-soothing.  Such a retreat results in various degrees of a depersonalized mind and a lifestyle characterized by diminution of feeling for oneself and others.  This is a condition that is rich fodder for the appearance and growth of addiction.The inward posture represents a serious impairment of the ability to engage in emotional transactions and is especially damaging to the capacity for give and receiving love. Ironically, it is in giving and receiving love rather than self-gratifying, compulsive sexuality, that we can actually get our needs met in legitimate way.Inwardness represents a retreat into oneself based on early attempts to avoid frustration and emotional pain.  What once functioned as a survival mechanism endures in the personality as a dysfunctional, addictive habit pattern.  Turning inward is to be distinguished from self-reflection, introspection, time for reading, thinking or creative work, contemplation of nature, meditation or other spiritual pursuits.  Instead, it is characterized by an ascendance of critical, self-hating thoughts toward self and others and self-destructive habit patterns.When in this state of mind, which is the mindset of addiction, one feels the presence of the hungry dogs of emotional neediness.  One's energy is focused inward, on oneself, on getting immediate gratification through some form of sexual acting out.  Our focus and energy is not spent looking outward to other people with whom we can make meaningful connection.  Personal interactions are filtered through the distorted lens of self-absorption and self-obsession fueled by emotional hunger.The characteristics of the inward person are (1) a tendency toward isolation, (b) seeking gratification in fantasy, (c) hypercritical views toward self and others (e) use of substances, ritualization and sexual arousal for pain killers (f) impersonal relating to real people (g) compulsive masturbation and viewing of internet porn and (h) merged identity and fusion with parents or partner.Inwardness is an addictive process because it involves tendencies toward isolation and fantasy gratification that have anxiety-reducing properties.  Addicts who defend against the pain of intimacy have at their disposal a readily available, effective means for numbing emotional pain.  The degree of the dependence on fantasy for nourishment and psychological survival is directly proportionate to the degree of early deprivation and parental rejection..This inward, apparently self-sufficient, protected individual spends a large part of his waking life domination by fantasies that lead to distortion of everyday experiences.  In this state, fantasy gratification precludes genuine involvement with other people, as the preference is to get gratification through fantasy where he is under control of his world and he can become other than the way he is as a means to escape from his internalized, relentless, self-hating tapes.The repetitive, ritualized behaviors of sex/porn addiction function to dull one's sensitivity to painful feelings and lend an air of certainty and seeming permanence to life.  Sexually compulsive patterns temporarily reduce anxiety but later foster more anxiety.A child growing up in a toxic family environment has learned to suppress his feelings because the expression of feelings may have been upsetting to a fragile mother or because his feelings were never attended to or understood.  Retreating to a self-imposed isolation and using fantasy to self-sooth, he gradually disengages from himself  as a terrified, hurting, hungry person and becomes a more powerful, but distorted version of himself.   In so doing, he cuts off feelings of compassion toward himself and sensitivity towards others.People who are inward and suppress their feelings tend to view themselves, their partners, their sexual exploits and females in the porn world more as objects rather than as human beings.  In relating to themselves as an object rather than a person, they give little or no value to their life experiences and are often indifferent to their physical health and emotional well-being.People who turned away from external sources of gratification as children now seek to gratify themselves internally.  They choose fantasy, sexual arousal and control while avoiding close,  personal interactions.  After the sexual arousal that comes in the beginning phases of a relationship fades, partners become distant, more withdrawn and less sexually attracted to each other.  Often, they distance themselves emotionally from their sexual partner before their fears of intimacy, rejection, or the threat of potential loss and abandonment reaches the level of conscious awareness.When the "high" of new romance and intense sexual relating wears off, the person is left with nothing to mask his inner emptiness.  This is the time when sexual acting out may begin, or begin again.  Compulsive masturbation and involvement with internet porn  may be used to avoid being sexual with the partner.  These behaviors represent a retreat from genuine personal contact with his true self and from his partner.The crucial distinction between personal, connected sexuality and sex addiction lies in the awareness of one's partner as a separate person as opposed to the use of an object to assuage primitive needs and longings and relieve fears of aloneness, separateness, and death.In psychoanalytic therapy, one of the goals is to help the client stop addictive behaviors and to uncover unconscious defense mechanisms in order to find better, more healthy, less costly ways of coping with anxiety and distress.For a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 3 December 2012 | 2:46 pm

Internet Porn Addiction: Seemingly Intractable, Difficult to Treat

I've been sitting in a room talking to addicts for 25 years.  All kinds of addicts.  I’ve participated in the enormous struggles of alcoholics to get sober, cocaine, heroine, methamphetamine, food, love, nicotine, sex…all kinds of addictions.My conclusion, culled from clinical experience, is that internet porn is THE primary addiction and is, by far, the hardest to kick.My intention in comparing my uncle’s cocaine addiction that robbed him dry  was to show you that the biochemical dysfunctions of a cocaine addict are exactly the same as those of a long-term porn addict.Now I think I was wrong.  An important distinction was missed.  Drugs like heroin and cocaine enter the system through intravenous needles or are snorted up the nose.  However, the brain responds from information received from the EYE quicker than from any other source.  Visual information is processed in the limbic system (part that seeks pleasure, avoids pain) in microseconds.  Visual information is processed faster than from any of our other senses.  Even the ingestion of heroin or cocaine is much slower in comparison.  The brain responds to visual sexual images in microseconds which begins  changes in brain chemistry that establish addiction instantly.We used to call internet porn the “crack cocaine” of the internet.  Now I think it’s more destructive than any external drug.  After all, you carry you’re own supply!Pornography addiction is difficult to treat because of this instantaneous, immediate entre into the addictive cycle.  But it’s also difficult to treat because it hits at the very core of our humanity.  Interest in sexuality is a primary driving force in human beings.  It is pleasurable by design and necessary in order for the human race to continue to exist.  It is innate, but it is also a product of dysfunctional conditioning by family, culture, school and religious institutions.  For sex addicts, whatever the causes, sex has become entwined with their identity.Sexual acting out shores up a fragile ego.  It instantly provides what all human seek and need – a sense of safety, security that perhaps was missing in childhood.  Time spent in the “Erotic Haze” extinguishes the relentless, unconscious feelings of being ill-equipped to negotiate a world that seems hostile and unpredictable (perhaps like their family-of-origin).Seems compelling, no?There are other reasons porn is hard to treat.  The commercial availability of the World Wide Internet in the 80′s has, and will continue, to radically alter the way people experience their sexuality.  The classic “3-A Engine” of affordability, accessibility and anonymity instantly made internet porn and cybersex irresistible to a large portion of the population.  In an interview with “20/20″ in 1999, I predicted that cybersex would someday become an epidemic.  Well, years later, my prediction materialized.  Sometimes it’s hard to be right.I lived through the “sexual revolution” of the 70′s.  People were more free than ever to express their sexuality in the service of “all you need is love” — a utopia where love, peace and hot sex would the milieu in which we lived and all would be well.en.  Something went horribly wrong with the plan.  Love, peace, connection, community and the beauty of sexual expression have been replaced by the horror of sexual compulsion.  Far from people coming together to share love and sex, our culture is fastly becoming  one where sex is completely cut off from human connection.  Internet sex is a solitary scene.Far from sexuality being the open, beautiful free expression of ourselves that the 70′s generation envisioned, sex has become isolated, shameful, desperate, compulsive — robbing people of all that was once dear.The dopamine depletion that follows a porn binge leave people depressed, anxious and lethargic. Connections to friends and family, passionate pursuits, the satisfaction of reaching a major goal, the simple pleasures of day-to-day living, any sense of spiritual connection, hobbies and recreations were long ago dismissed as sex  became the primary  mind “motif” through which they saw reality.  Sex/porn addiction over the long-term becomes the addict’s only need.I have to tell you.  It’s such a sorry scene.  Like all addictions, which are progressive, porn can eventually suck you dry of everything good, loving, vital and spontaneous in you.  It’s literally living in hell.  A spiritual bankruptcy.Think about it objectively.  If your only need is (compulsive) sex, you’re totally dependent and controlled by the very thing that’s killing you.Horrible.  Horrible..Addiction is hell.If you’re interested in treatment, I offer my blogger community a free 30-minute phone consult.  contact:  dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com.  See more at www.sextreatment.com.Posted in Porn Addiction | Tagged brain chemistry of porn, costs of porn, effects of isolation, help for porn, help for porn addicts; problems with porn, loneliness, sex addiction | For a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 2 December 2012 | 8:56 pm

Sex Addiction: The Truth about a Modern Phenomenon

This is re-printed from a life-style publication in England called "The Independent".  I think its a pretty good overall examination of sex addiction.  It touches some of the major points, but in a somewhat limited narrow focus.  Hope you find it helpful. -- dhA few months before their wedding, David Prior (not his real name) told his fiancée Sue his biggest secret. Although the couple had a good sex life, and were committed to a future together, he was addicted to visiting prostitutes.Perhaps surprisingly, the wedding went ahead. "I was horribly shocked, but I thought that with some therapy he'd get over it," says Sue, 42. Fifteen years and two children on, the couple are still together – but David's sex addiction, too, is with him still. "I don't think we could possibly have imagined that it would be as long-term, or as difficult, as it has been," says Sue.David and Sue are clients of a sexual psychotherapist, Paula Hall, who last month published the UK's first comprehensive guide to what sex addiction is – she defines it as "a pattern of out-of-control sexual behaviour that causes problems in someone's life" – and how its sufferers can be helped. No one knows how many sex addicts there are in Britain but, says Ms Hall, in her professional judgement it's hugely on the increase."I run training sessions on understanding sex addiction, and four years ago I might have been training six therapists a year," she says. "Now I'm doing 20 sessions annually, with an average of 30 therapists at each. And when you ask them why they're here they all give the same answer: more and more clients are presenting with sex addiction, and they want to know more about how to help them."No one understands what the rise in sex addiction is entirely about but internet porn, Ms Hall says, has got to be part of it. "Porn is like the gateway drug. Just as with cannabis and cocaine, many people will use the gateway drug and never become addicted; but others most definitely will. And unlike drugs or alcohol, users don't even realise they're dealing with something that might prove to be addictive."The easy availability of porn gives people in high-stress jobs a way of dealing with their pressurised lifestyle. "We're seeing more soldiers who've done tours in Afghanistan and have used internet porn as a means of escape," Ms Hall says. "And as with alcohol, using porn to soothe the pressures of life isn't bad in itself – unless and until it becomes addictive, and is the only way you can escape from your problems."In researching her book, Ms Hall surveyed 350 people who described themselves as addicted to sex, 25 per cent of whom were women. "The proportion of women addicts surprised me," she says. "And what surprised me even more was the number who are using porn: 90 per cent of the men I surveyed, and 74 per cent of the women, said they were heavy porn-users. We have this idea that women are into relationship sex while men are more visually stimulated, so this seemed to fly in the face of that."The biggest problem for sex addicts, Ms Hall says, is that it's seen as a moral deficiency rather than a mental illness. Also, despite the increase in people seeking therapy, most of those affected still try to deal with it alone – and the fallout can be devastating. "In my survey I asked people what the worst consequence of their addiction was, and the answers were truly terrible," she says. "People had lost their families, they'd lost their homes and gone bankrupt, they were depressed, even suicidal, and they felt unable to embark on a proper relationship."One respondent said he was a 30-year-old virgin who has never had a girlfriend or dated. "Porn has distorted my view of real women and I now think my natural libido is not what it should be," he explained. "Porn has been a comfort blanket for my anxieties but at the same time helped to increase them while stopping me from facing up to my problems and living my life to the full."What's also interesting about her research, Ms Hall says, is how young sex addiction starts: of the people she surveyed, 40 per cent were under 16 and nearly 10 per cent were under 10 years old when their problems started.For David Prior, though, the problem started later: he was in his mid-twenties when he started to visit prostitutes and realised his problems were deeper than just getting a sexual kick. "I was in a very unhappy relationship, and I now realise that was echoing the difficult relationship I'd had with my mother," he says. "Seeing a prostitute became a way of escape; and even when I met Sue and started what became a good relationship with her, I still needed the fix of seeing sex workers."The strange thing was, and is, that it's never been about fun or enjoyment: the thing I craved, and still do crave, is the feeling of shame. One of the biggest ironies about sex addiction is that it's only marginally about sex; like all addicts, what it's really about is being unable to process or deal with something difficult in your life, whether it's unhappiness, boredom or frustration."For sex addicts, the nature of their addiction gives them additional problems. "If I was an alcoholic or a drug addict, people would be sympathetic and would want to help," David says. "But with sex addiction it's completely different; people moralise it, they can't possibly deal with it. I couldn't possibly tell anyone I know about my addiction, so it's a very lonely thing to deal with – and of course as for all addicts, the first step to overcoming it is admitting it's going on."Another problem is that, unlike other addictions, you can't decide to give it up: I can't say I'll be celibate, because I'm a married man and I want a healthy sex life with my wife."For now, David says, his addiction is under control. It's at least two years since he visited a sex worker, and these days he limits his "fix" to seeking out sexual thrills, and then walking away from them. "I act it out by going to some dodgy place – but when I'm offered a hand job or whatever, I leave without going through with it," he says. "I get the sense of shame, but I don't actually participate in the sex act." But still there are dangers. "I'm a senior manager, and I have a responsible job," he says. "If anyone who knew me at work saw me coming out of one of those places, that could be the end of everything, the end of being able to provide for my family, the end of my career. The stakes are very high."So how can sex addicts be helped? A big breakthrough for many, says Ms Hall – who chairs the Association for the Treatment of Sex Addiction and Compulsivity – is realising they're not alone. "Many people with this problem believe they're the only one with it – so finding out that there are good people out there struggling in exactly the same way really boosts their self-esteem," she says.Therapy focuses on understanding what addicts are anaesthetising themselves against, and finding healthy, alternative ways to meet their needs. Beyond this, Ms Hall says, the key lies in finding practical ways of preventing them from relapsing. "I advise clients to block adult content on the internet, and to avoid people or places that trigger their need for sex. But the big problem is that it's a lot harder to avoid these triggers in our age than in the past, because porn is accessible in so many ways, and in so many situations."'Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction' by Paula Hall is published by Routledge (£19.99)Are you at risk of sex addiction?Paula Hall identifies six factors that make people more vulnerable to sex addiction:* Early sexualisation: it's known that early alcohol use changes the chemistry of the brain in ways that make alcoholism more likely, and it's possible that something similar could happen to a brain that is exposed to sexual images and behaviour before it is ready to react to them.* Adolescent isolation: experiencing trauma between the ages of nine and 13, or feeling isolated as a teenager for any reason, can increase the chances of becoming addicted to sex.* Over-controlling parenting: people who have been too controlled as children are less able to handle risk-taking, and this could predispose them to sex addiction.* Limited modelling of emotional regulation: growing up without good role-models for emotional regulation can leave people dependent on external factors to manage their emotions, because they can't handle them for themselves.* Childhood shame: thinking of sex as shameful leads people to think of sex as secretive, and makes it harder to normalise it as a healthy part of ordinary life.* Family secrets: a hidden issue in a family can set a person up for a situation where having two separate parts to life is normal, even attractive.Joanna MoorheadFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 2 December 2012 | 8:27 pm

From whence the addictive drive? Understanding sex/porn addiction beginnings.

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.From early infancy, it appears that our ability to regulate emotional states depends upon the experience of feeling that a significant person in our life is simultaneously experiencing a similar state of mind.                                                                 --Daniel J. Siegel, M.D.Sexual recovery emcompasses many aspects of individual growth and development.  Gaining control over sexually compulsive behaviors is just the beginning of recovery.  Intrinsic to getting well is altering the underlying addictive process inherent in all addictions.One of the characteristics of that process involves impaired self-regulatory ability.  Individuals afflicted with sex addiction have difficulty regulating their inner emotional processes and difficulty regulating their behaviors.The pre-frontal cortex (the area of the brain negatively impacted by chronic iviewing of internet porn) is responsible for self-regulation.  Where does this impairment come from?It comes from very early-life interactions with the mothering figure.  The formation of the child's brain circuits is influenced by the mother's conscious and unconscious emotional states that are impacted by stress, anxiety or depression.  These states influence the parent's emotional interactions with the infant.  Attachment and attunement, two crucial aspects of the infant-parent relationship are the determining factors.The right hemisphere of the mother's brain, the side where our unconscious emotions reside, programs the infant's right hemisphere.  In the early months of life, the most important communications between mother and infant are unconscios ones.  Incapable of deciphering the meaning of words, the infant receives messages that are purely emotional.  They are conveyed by the mother's gace, her tone of voice and her body language, all of which reflect her unconscious internal emotional environment.  Anything that threatens the mother's emotional security may disrupt the developing electrical wiring and chemical supplies of the infant brain's emotion-regularing systems.The effects of maternal moods on the electrial circuitry of the infant's brain were demonstrated by a study at the University of Washington, Seattle. The study compared the EEG's of two groups of infants:  one group whose mothers had symptoms of depression, the other whose mothers did not.  The infants of depressed mothers showed EEG's demonstrating that the left-side of brain activity was effected in such a way that the influence of positive, youful infant-mother exchanges did not occur.  Significantly, these effects were noted only in the pre-frontal area of the brain, where the centers for self-regulation of emotion are located.What infants need to cultivate a basic sense of safety, trust and self-regulation were signals that the mother is aligned with, reponsive to and participating in their mental states on a moment-to-moment basis.  Empathic immerson in the infant's world was missing.  This sharing of emotional spaces is called attunement.  Emotional stress on the mother interferes with infant brain development because it interferes with the attunement contact.Attunement is necessary for the normal development of the brain neuro-pathways and neurochemical hardware of emotional self- regulation.  It is a finely calibrated process requiring that the mother remain in a relatively nonstressed, nonanxious, nondepressed state of mind.The tense or depressed mothering adult will not be able to accompany the infant into relaxed, happy states.Infants whose caregivers were too stressed or depressed, for whatever reason, to give them the necessary attunement will grow up with a chronic tendency to feel alone with their emotions, to have a sense that no one can share how they feel, that no one can "understand."Attunement is the quintessentail component of a larger process, called attachment.  Attachment is simply our need to be close to another.  It represents the absolute need of the utterly and helplessly vulnerable human infant for secure, safe closeness with at least one nourishing, protective and available parent figure.In human beings, attachment is a driving force of behavior for longer than in any other animal.  It is present throughout our lives.  We may attempt to satisfy the lack of human contact we crave by various  means, such as addictions, particularly sex/porn addiction which is characterized by a driven, compelling need to make a pseudo-connection to a source of validation and security.Addiction is fueled by an unconscious longing for the perfect, blissful state of attunement missing from very-early life.  Because it is an infantile state, it can never be recovered in a mature, regulated, imperfect manner that characterizes most adult, reality-based attachments.  The addict's perceived need to experience a safe, blissful state overrides and impairs his ability to get adult, appropriate needs met through connection with a loving other.  This results in an intimacy disorder which is said to be at the heart of sex addiction.What's to be done?  As we were wounded in relationship, we are cured by a relationship with an attentive, empathic therapist and by immersion in a caring community such as a 12-step group.  Therapy helps you to relinguish the dire need for perfect attunement that results in self destructive sex addiction and to replace it for  healthy ways to get legitimate needs met.sex addiction therapy nyc, sex addiction treatment nyc, porn addiction therapy nyc, porn addiction treatment nyc, sex addiction recovery.For a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 1 December 2012 | 5:10 pm

Internet Porn Eats Away at Your Soul: You Know it, Don't You?

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practiceDr. Jeffrey Swartz is one of my favorite writers.  He’s been working at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital for about 40 years (!) treating OCD specifically.  One of his books, “Brainlock – a Four-Step program for Treating OCD” offers a compelling approach to not just OCD but ALL behavioral compulsions, in particularly sexual behaviors.  Here’s the link to an article I wrote about his approach: http://sextreatment.com/behavioral-mod-sex-addiction.He’s recently written a book called “The Mind and the Brain”.  Great stuff.In it, he makes a clear distinction between the Mind and the brain.  There is an interplay between these two parts of our being and each influences the other.  The effective coordination and connection of the Mind and the brain is what brings balance and meaning to our lives.The message I want to deliver in writing about the biochemistry of porn addiction is that eventually the pre-frontal cortex of the brain gets damaged.  This is the part of us that manages “executive functioning”.  Your ability to see reality, make decisions, make changes that affect your destiny, organize yourself internally and externally, to focus, to concentrate.  In other words to have a sense of “agency” in your own life.  Becoming the captain of your own ship.  We all really crave that, don’t we?Along with damage to “executive” functioning, the biochemistry of porn addiction alters our Minds.  The Mind, as opposed to the brain, holds our “higher selves”.  It is what contains higher consciousness which is able to distinguish right from wrong.Addiction occurs when the physical brain has taken control of the Mind.  The Mind is our higher intelligence part gets frustrated about the loss of control over your behavior.  The physical brain has no concept of right or wrong.  It’s primary function to survive and it does this exclusively by driving you towards pleasure and away from pain.The biochemical, physical brain has a huge ability to capture control of the mind, which is our higher essence.  It can subject it and hijack it.  Really, the physical brain, part of the limbic system which drives us toward pleasure, can influence the human will and influence how you think, feel and act.  Certainly, this is addiction,  Certainly, this is the shackling of the human spirit.The physical, biochemical part of the brain demands and compels you towards a certain compulsive behavior regardless of what the Mind or conscience says. I believe there’s something inherent in our souls that feels it wrong to view the private sexual acts of others.  The sexual act is designed to be a private expression of care and connection.In other words, the Mind, the electrical (according to Dr. Swartz) intelligent part of us simply doesn’t feel good about participating in internet porn.In all my years of personally treating people entwined in sex and porn addiction, never has there been anyone who feels good after a porn binge.  NEVER!Viewing internet pornography leaves in its wake feelings of frustration, shame, anxiety and depression.  These feelings are the direct result of the biochemical changes in your brain, specifically the sudden drop in dopamine levels, the occur with persistent involvement with porn.In addiction to the chemical changes that influence our feelings and general state of well-being, in the deepest part of ourselves, the Mind, the conscience, the “witness”, or our Higher Power observes the loss of control of a destructive behavior and acts as the ultimate judge of lower selves.I re-print an e-mail from a client:“I am sick to my core about my involvement in internet porn.  I am at the bottom of a hideous pit.  I’m in terror that there may be no hope of recovery for me.  I simply am compelled by an irresistible impulse to go into the “Erotic Haze”.  What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I change?” Pornography eats away at your soul.  You know it does. The client mentioned above did find sexual recovery.  Along with acquiring the skills he needed to resist the “irresistible impulse”, he is working on the internal issues that drove him to porn in the first place.He is learning better coping skills to deal with his feelings so his has other options than going to the “Erotic Haze” for soothing and safety.  He is more reality-oriented and finds himself more able to receive healthy pleasure from his interpersonal interactions, from hobbies and recreations and to a renewed commitment to working toward his meaningful, realistic goals.  He feels great.So can you.  Find recovery now.  Call 212-673-5717 for an initial consultation.  Go to www.sextreatment.com for 35 articles on sex addiction and to learn the details about my practice of psychotherapy.Sex Addiction Treatment, NYC, Sex Addiction Therapy, NYC, Porn Addiction Therapy, NYC, Porn Addiction Treatment, NYCFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 1 December 2012 | 9:44 am

Sexual Objectification Problem Hugh Part of Recovery from Sex Addiction

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.November 22, 2012Sex addicts tend to walk through the world with a purely sexual filter. While the average person recognizes when someone is attractive and feels a certain spark with some more than others, they also have the ability to relate to people on a number of non-sexual levels. For sex addicts, the next sexual conquest is always at the forefront of their mind; every person in their path is valued solely on their sex appeal. This is a process known in psychology as “sexual objectification.” The American Psychological Association (AMA) defines this as, “A person’s value coming only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics.” When an individual puts sexual attractiveness above all other traits with everyone they meet, their life quickly becomes shallow and isolating because there is no way to make deep connections when one’s only concern is the physical.Signs of Sex AddictionSex addicts may engage in all of the following behaviors that sexually objectify those around them:Other people are only viewed as a tool for sexual pleasure or future fantasies.Frequent comments are made about the sexual potential of both strangers and acquaintances.Tactless jokes of a sexual nature are made at inappropriate times.Experiences that others have just for the fun of it, such as vacations, are only worthwhile if sex is somehow involved.Sexual Objectification Causes Emotional HarmSex addicts objectify others and many may also see themselves merely as a sex object because the same was done to them at an impressionable period in their life. Sexual objectification may cause a whole host of other psychological problems in both thesex addict and the people they objectify. Feeling as if your whole worth is completely dependent upon your sexual prowess has a number of potentially damaging effects such as:AnxietyBody image issuesDepressionDisordered eating habitsDecreased attention and therefore stunted ability to learnOften engage in sexually risky behavior in an attempt to seem sexierTolerance of gender stereotypes despite true feelingsLetting Go of the Habit of Sexual Objectification Is Huge Part of RecoveryIn order to recover from sex addiction, an individual must be taught how to become aware of their objectifying thoughts and actions. Sex addicts are taught to ask themselves how they are looking at other people by utilizing the “three second rule.” When sexual thoughts pop into their head, they learn how to redirect their thoughts towards anything of a non-sexual nature, hope for the best for that person, and then let them go on their way.Sex addiction and substance abuse often go hand in hand. In fact, in recovery, many patients attempt to replace their drug use with sexual exploits. Is this an issue for you or someone you love?Reprinted from: <http://www.michaelshouse.com/blog/http:www.sextreatment.comhttp:www.porn-no-more.comFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 26 November 2012 | 12:44 pm

Neurochemistry, Escalation and the Process Addiction

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.Rob Weiss, LCSW, is my hero and my mentor.  I though this article was so good, I'd reprint it with his permission.Neurochemistry, Escalation, and the Process Addictions by Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-SThe Neurochemical Quagmire                                                               As is the case with substance addictions, process (behavioral) addictions induce a neurochemical pleasure response comprised of dopamine (pleasure), adrenaline (anxiety, energy), oxytocin (love, jealousy), serotonin (mood stability), and endorphins (mild euphoria). But unlike the substance abuser, those with sexual and other behavioral addictions don’t need to ingest a substance to evoke a neurochemical high. Essentially, individuals who struggle with underlying emotional or psychological issues such as early-life emotional trauma, social anxiety, low self-esteem, and depressive episodes can unconsciously learn to self-medicate by abusing their sympathetic nervous system through intense fantasy, urges, rituals, and ultimately behaviors as means of dissociating from or otherwise coping with internal and external life stressors, emotional pain, and uncomfortable feelings. This “addictive” response is the underlying biological component that drives the dysfunctional behavior patterns of compulsive gamblers, shopaholics, sex addicts, and others who seek intensity as a means of self-soothing distraction.Over time, sex addicts (and other process addicts) unconsciously learn to control and abuse their own neurochemistry the same way alcoholics and drug addicts learn to abuse the effects of the substances they ingest. Sex addicts become “hooked” on the dissociative emotional arousal and distraction produced by their addiction. Unsurprisingly, sex addicts find as much excitement and escape in thinking about and searching for their next sexual encounter as in the sex act itself. They sometimes refer to this trance-like state as being “in the bubble” or “in the trance.” Much like compulsive gamblers, sex addicts can sacrifice hours, even days of precious time and life-focus while losing themselves to this elevated condition.Understanding the underlying neurochemistry that drives sexual addiction can help reduce stigma, as it promotes insight into the fact that hypersexuality is not really about the sexual act and orgasm – no more so than compulsive gambling is about winning or losing. Those who abuse their own neurochemistry as a means of self-regulation and affect management spend far more time in the fantasy about, search for, and pursuit of sex and romantic intensity than they ever spend in the actual sexual act.EscalationOne issue common to all types of addiction is an increasing tolerance to the mood-altering effects of the addict’s drug or behavior of choice. Over time, addicts nearly always “find themselves” doing more and more of their drug or behavior of choice and/or turning to more intense substances or experiences to attain and maintain a similar level of arousal.Consider, for instance, drug addiction. The simple fact is relatively few people shoot heroin right out of the gate. More often, drug addicts begin with some sort of relatively innocuous usage such as smoking marijuana or abusing a prescription medication. As time passes, their habits escalate – they start smoking pot around the clock or popping pills by the handful. Eventually, even that level of use doesn’t get (or keep) them high the way it used to. At some point they inevitably discover “harder” drugs like crystal meth, cocaine, and heroin, and they use these substances to make them feel as they did before. Initially they may sprinkle a little bit of cocaine or crystal meth into a joint, or mix a tiny bit of heroin into the pills they’ve learned to crush and snort (for faster effect). Without ever making a conscious decision to do so, they suddenly “find themselves” cooking and injecting their new drug of choice. This is escalation for drug addicts.Sex addicts escalate their behavior patterns in a very similar fashion. For instance, occasional viewing and masturbating to softcore online pornography is typically regarded as an enjoyable and relatively harmless adult activity – innocuous – akin to drinking a beer or taking a few puffs off a joint. However, for people predisposed to impulsive, compulsive, and/or addictive behaviors, what begins as harmless recreation can over time become an all-consuming activity, pushing the user away from relationships, family, work, exercise, hobbies, and other life-affirming activities. Individuals who become addicted to porn can typically spend multiple hours per day viewing and masturbating to erotic images and videos. Often they find themselves looking at and being turned on by increasingly more intense and/or bizarre imagery – sexual acts that didn’t interest them (and maybe even disgusted them) when they started out. This is escalation for a process addict.Cross- and Co-Occurring AddictionsFor some, escalation involves a cross-addiction (the addict switches from one addiction to another) or a co-occurring addiction (the addict deals with multiple addictions simultaneously). Cross- and co-occurring addictions are especially common in sex addicts. In one survey of male sex addicts, 87 percent of respondents reported that they regularly abused alcohol, drugs, or another addictive behavior in addition to their regular habits of compartmentalized sexual acting out.Anecdotal evidence suggests that for increasing numbers of sex addicts a secondary drug of choice is crystal methamphetamine. Often called “the sex drug,” meth is the preferred “party favor” for anonymous Internet and smartphone hookups. It is also the most commonly abused drug among prostitutes. Meth causes feelings of euphoria, intensity, and power, along with the drive to obsessively do whatever activity the user wishes to engage in, including having sex. In fact, users say the drug allows them to be sexual for an entire day – even two or three – without sleeping, eating, or coming down, especially when a prescription medication like Viagra or Cialis is along for the ride.Sadly, while intoxicated and disinhibited by a drug like crystal meth (or cocaine), safe sex is often not a priority, especially for those already inured to multiple anonymous encounters. This propensity for unsafe sex while simultaneously abusing meth, alcohol, and other illicit drugs greatly increases a sex addict’s risk for both pregnancy and contracting or transmitting HIV and other STDs.How Sexual Addiction EscalatesAs with drug addiction, sex addicts generally start out with “tame” behaviors such as flirting with an old boyfriend or girlfriend on Facebook, posting a profile on a “friend finder” app, or briefly looking at porn online. Over time, the behavior is engaged in for longer intervals, and other, more intense behaviors enter the picture. In the digital age, the Internet nearly always plays a part in the development and inevitable progression of sexual addiction. This escalation can take any number of forms, the most common of which are listed below.Extramarital affairsCasual or anonymous sexual encountersVirtual sex (via webcams, using “teledildonic” devices, or in alternate realities such as Second Life and other online sexual gaming environments)Hours, sometimes even days lost to pornography and/or other forms of online sexual behaviorAlcohol and/or drug abuse concurrent with the sexual addictionUnsafe sexSex with strangers, dangerous people, or in dangerous locationsExhibitionism and/or voyeurism (either online or in-person)BDSM and other fetish behaviors that were not previously part of the addict’s arousal templateSensual massage and prostitution (buying or selling)Viewing child pornography or other illegal imagerySexual offendingUnfortunately, sexual addiction nearly always escalates in terms of time and/or content. Sooner or later these escalated sexual acting out behaviors result in profound and repeated negative life consequences. Over time, sex addicts can neglect important people (children, spouses), interests (recreation, self-care, creativity), and responsibilities (work, finances) to spend hours, sometimes even days, in a fantasy-based, emotionally elevated dissociative state. As their addictive behavior escalates, their sexual activities often start to go against preexisting values and beliefs (relationship fidelity, safe sex, not hurting others, etc.)Not surprisingly, when the acting out is finished, addicts can typically experience an overwhelming sense of guilt, shame, and remorse. At that point they will tell themselves, “This is the last time that I am going to…” Yet ultimately they are compelled to return to the same or an even more intense activity in order to simply feel OK. This downwardly spiraling cycle of shame, escalating behavior, and negative consequences is common to all forms of addiction.Stopping the Sexual CarouselRecovery from sexual addiction most often requires extensive counseling with a trained and licensed sexual addiction treatment specialist, coupled with or followed by group therapy and/or a 12-step program. For some people, an inpatient program such as The Ranch in Tennessee or an intensive outpatient program like the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles may be needed to jump start the process of recovery. It is important to note that sexual addiction is usually a symptom of underlying emotional and relationship concerns that will require longer-term psychotherapy and support to overcome, but this psychotherapy and support typically is successful only after the presenting behavioral issue has been eliminated.Unfortunately, sex addicts rarely seek treatment on their own. More often than not, they are forced into seeking help by the threat of relationship separation, divorce, job loss, disease, arrest, or some other life trauma. While sex addicts are most often aware of their behavior patterns, the escalation of their addiction is subtle, intensifying (often unnoticed) over a period of time. And, like all addicts, sex addicts employ elaborate forms of denial, minimization, justification, and rationalization that help them to consciously disregard the negative consequences and continue acting out. Sadly, by the time they do seek treatment, most sex addicts end up wishing they had asked for and accepted assistance long before they actually did.Robert Weiss, LCSWsexualrecovery.comReclaim Sexual Sanity Now:  Call 212-673-5717 for an initial consultation.  Serving the New York Area and worldwide through SKYPE.  See www.sextreatment.com for more details.Porn Addiction nyc, porn addiction therapy nyc, porn addiction treatment, nyc, sex addiction therapy, nycFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 23 November 2012 | 9:06 pm

So you Think a Little Porn is Harmless?

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.I used to think articles like this were sensationalized, the  more I learn of the hazards of internet porn, the more I believe them. - Dorothy HaydenOnline porn linked to half of all child sex abuse casesReport identified some 16,500 youngsters as displaying signs of being vulnerable to being sexually abusedThe impact of online porn is partly to blame in half of cases where children are at risk of sexual exploitation.Thousands of children in England are at high risk of sexual exploitation – and in half the cases, the impact of online porn is partly to blame, a devastating report found last night.Some 16,500 youngsters – the equivalent of 20 medium-sized secondary schools – were identified over the course of one year as displaying signs of being vulnerable to being raped or otherwise sexually abused.Contrary to expectations, many were from ‘loving and stable’ middle-class homes, with children as young as four at risk.Vulnerable: Children from 'loving and stable' middle-class homes were among those found to be at riskThe study by Sue Berelowitz, the deputy children’s commissioner, into sexual exploitation by urban gangs found that the ‘use and impact’ of pornography was a major factor in 48 per cent of interviews with abuse victims and perpetrators.More...Internet porn and the rape suspects aged TEN: New fear for young after 24 police forces arrest under-13s for sex crimes in a yearPM steps in to curb menace of online porn: Cameron to ensure parents are led through a filter process on all new computersShe said the easy access of porn online skewed young people’s views about what is ‘acceptable, required or expected’ of sex – and could leave boys seeing girls as ‘objects to be used and abused’. Miss Berelowitz said naive younger people were ‘wandering round’ in the ‘thicket’ of the internet, adding: ‘There are some neighbourhoods where sexual violence and a sense of entitlement were completely normalised.’The report warned that it was ‘rare’ to find abuse cases where technology such as mobile phones and computers were not in some way connected.The deputy children's commissioner warned that thousands of youngsters in England were being abused every yearThis includes encouraging girls to swap sexually explicit images on mobiles, adults grooming children on social networking sites such as Facebook, and the viewing of extreme or violent pornography and discussing it during sexual assaults.The Daily Mail is campaigning for an automatic block on online porn to protect children from stumbling across it. Over-18s would be able to access it only after opting in following a strict age-verification check.Earlier this week, we revealed that children as young as ten were being arrested over allegations of rape.The interim report found that at least 16,500 children were identified as being at risk between April 2010 and March 2011. Children were counted if they met at least three out of 13 risk measures highlighted by experts. These included going missing from home, care or school; committing a crime; using drugs or alcohol; self-harming; or getting repeated sexual infections.Some 2,409 children were also confirmed as being victims of exploitation by gangs and groups between August 2010 and October 2011, with 15 being the peak age for abuse.The report used evidence from police forces, councils, health trusts and other official bodies to reach its conclusions. It means that the figures of 16,500 and 2,409 are only those known to authorities. The true figures will be much higher.Last night Miss Berelowitz said: ‘The reality is that each year, thousands of children in England are raped and abused by people seeking to humiliate, violate and control them. The impact on their lives is devastating.'Each year, thousands of children in England are raped and abused by people seeking to humiliate, violate and control them'Sue Berelowitz‘These children have been abducted, trafficked, beaten and threatened after being drawn into a web of sexual violence sometimes by promises of love and sometimes simply because they know there is no alternative.‘This abuse and violence can be relentless and take place anywhere – as they go home from school, as they walk to the shops, in their local park.‘It is vital agencies improve the information they share about the victims and those at risk of sexual exploitation, so that children can be better protected.’ The report pointed out that not all victims were from troubled backgrounds, saying: ‘Children from loving and secure homes can be abused in gangs and groups, as well as children with pre-existing vulnerabilities.’ The Daily Mail is campaigning for an automatic block on online porn to prevent children stumbling across itShockingly, around one in ten  abuse cases happen in schools.The study also blamed the impact of technology giving easy access to online porn, saying: ‘An abused child might be left assuming that pain and violence, inflicted by several people at once, is the norm in sexual activity.’It said pornography could contribute ‘to ideas about entitlement, the sexual objectification of women and children, humiliating and violent sexual acts that may underpin child sexual exploitation’.Last night Jon Brown, NSPCC lead on sexual abuse, said: ‘Girls are increasingly telling ChildLine that they are constantly pestered and even forced into mimicking shocking and violent sexual videos. And many are filmed and then have these videos distributed or posted online. It’s a major and growing problem.’ Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2236054/Online-porn-linked-half-child-sex-abuse-cases.html#ixzz2D5BpzJ00Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on FacebookReclaim Sexual Sanity: Find recovery now.  Call 212-673-5717 for an initial consultation.  Go to www.sextreatment.com for 35 articles on sex addiction and to learn the details about my practice of psychotherapy.Porn Addiction Therapy NYC, Internet Porn Addiction,nyc,  Porn Addiction Treatment, nycFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 23 November 2012 | 4:16 pm

Nice to get Kudos from the Community!

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.We were told today that our blogs had been awarded a couple of "badges" for distinction in contributing to the mental health field.  I happen to be one of those people who never wins anything -- and for something as around-the-bend as sex addiction, thank you very much.This was my first blog.  I put it down for a while because I felt anxious, uncertain, a maladroit.  Couldn't figure out the difference between what I write for a blog and what I write for web content.  Didn't think I knew enough about sex addiction to write about stuff  folks would be interested in knowing about!!!Then one day it happened.  The direction I was to go in came in the form of a 26-year-old sweety pie who has having problems with BDSM porn.  As is usually, the case, I learned from him.  The way to go is PORNOGRAPHY!!!  He explained (TO ME!) that sex addiction and porn addiction are two different species and required different techniques for doing treatment.  He let me know (me, who herself had said on "20/20" fifteen years ago that cybersex would be a new epidemic.).  Hmmm...where was that epidemic now?  Why, UPON US, I answered.  Knowing how to treat and write about Internet Porn was the thing that had been sitting there in front of me, waiting to do.  Peoples' need for this service was palpable.Out came the Amazon card, with every book on the marketplace about pornography put in my cart.  That was in May.  Since then, I think I've caught on to the basic theory and technique of blogging, and I must say, it suits me.I won't bore you with a long digression, but about three years ago, Google saw fit to slaughter me (the technique on the site was antiquated).  So I jumped into the fray with SEO, SEM, social media, articles marketing, articles marketing and the like.  I was very interested in following the rankings for the new site.  One day I was looking at Google front page for a particular keyword, and BLAM there is was...this blog.  I hadn't posted in about four months and I figured it went the way of all forsaken blogs.  But, no there it was, sexaddicttherapy.blogspot.com, thriving on the first part of the first page of Google.I was totally mystified.  What with everything we're taught to must do to worship at the god Google's thrown, there was this small, abandoned site about sex addiction holding up the rear!No fool I, I'm about to pay more attention to this blog.  I looked back over my posts and must say, I was unimpressed.  A bit more than the usual stuff, but not by much.Now I find myself in the intriguing position of drafting an editorial calendar for it for the next six months.I have some ideas, but let me ask you in the community:  What would you like to know about regarding sex addiction.  Or what would you like to know more about?  I'll put together a tentative of some of the stuff you want to know about and some of the stuff I'd like to write about.  I don't think we can go wrong.For a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 15 November 2012 | 6:32 pm

The Role of Values in Beginning a Recovery Program/Dorothy Hayden

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth may save you.---Gospel of ThomasThink of your sex addiction as a powerful, sometimes overpowering involvement to which you turn for security and gratification when you fail to find better gratifications in the rest of your life. The more you turn to the addiction, the more primary it becomes.  Yet the more you rely on it, the more negative experiences it produces in your life and the more you need to return to the sex addiction. If you turn to sex for solace to the exclusion of meaningful involvements in the rest of your life, you are captured by sex addiction.Do not despair.  Sex Addiction can be beaten -- people do it all the time!  This blog will, among other things, teach you about therapies, techniques and exercises that work on the needed skills and attitudes that can help get you to where you want to be.  Hopefully, it will help you get attached to life in as many ways as possible.I believe that before an individual even forms a sobriety“game plan”,  it is necessary to build a strong foundation of knowledge of what values you hold most dear and establish motivational aims.  These will strengthen you on your journey to sexual recovery. If you at the cross-roads in your life where you feel that change must occur, it’s time to do a little soul-searching.  Go within and ferret out values that you’ve had but have betrayed. What’s been important to you in your heart-of-hearts.  Family? Health? Spiritual beliefs?  Or being a good person?Then consider cultivating some new values that might give your life new purpose.  When you can truly experience how the sex addiction is damaging what is most important to you, the steps out of your addiction often fall into place. You can use your own values as a tool to fight your addiction.Why do Values Even Matter?While pursuing sexual highs to the exclusion of attachment to others and productive work, your values are on display.  You are signaling either that you see little wrong in it or that the other values in your life are less important than the temporary  pleasure you get from sex addiction.  Think for a moment about the difference between being motivated by a hunger for pleasure and being motivated by your essential values.  Quite a different picture, no?Stanton Peele, in “7 Tools to Beat Addiction” lists values that help combat addiction:Achievement – accomplishing constructive and socially values goals, such as participating in athletics, running for office, getting an education, succeeding at work, or providing for your family.Consciousness – being alert, awake, and aware of your surroundings; using you mind to make sense out of your life and experienceActivity – being energetic and engaged in the world around you.Health –eating well, exercising, choosing an overall healthy lifestyleResponsibility – fulfilling you commitments.  Understand the spiritual aspects of “duty”Self-respect --  caring for yourself and, be extension, all peopleCommunity – being involved in the world around you and contributing to the welfare of the communities in which you are involved.How do Values Fight Addiction?People drop addictions all the time when using interferes with their parenting skills. They value the well-being of their children more than the pleasure they get from addiction.  If you have kids, satisfying work and basic self-respect, the rationalizations that keep sex addiction in place are harder to defend.People who value clear thinking shy away from the “Erotic Haze” which is really like regular intoxication.  Rational decisions cannot be made when you’re trapped in your addiction cycle. People who hold achievement as a core value wouldn’t waste hours and hours looking at Internet porn; they’d be involved in productive, creative activities that help them to achieve their goals.During this soul-searching time, you may need to learn how to do things in a way that is consistent with your values, or to value new ways of looking at the world. Take some time to really SEE how your sex addiction is in conflict with the basic values your hold.Embrace and relish what you think is important and right – or in cases where you recognize that your values are wrong or harmful to yourself and other work on changing them.  Publicize you values as primary indicators of who you are.  And harness and use your values as fuel for your sexual recovery.If you're interested in treatment, contact me at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com for a free 30-minute consultation.Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find recovery now.  Call 212-673-5717 for an initial consultation.  Go to www.sextreatment.com for 35 articles on sex addiction and to learn the details about my practice of psychotherapy.http://www.sextreatment.comsexaddicttherapy.blogspot.comhttp://porn-no-more.comSex Addiction Therapy NYC, Sex Addiction Treatment NYC, Porn Addiction Therapy NYC, sex addiction recovery, help for sex addicts, sex addict helpFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 5 November 2012 | 11:26 pm

The Cost of Sex Addiction: The Devastation of Your Partner

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.  ~Ruth Bell GrahamYour Partner’s PainThe effect on your partner of your addiction has to be one of the most painful negative consequences of your sexual behavior.When they discover  (and they do have ways of discovering)  the amount of time spent viewing porn (never mind the shock of its content), the “cybersex” phenomenon of going into chat rooms for erotic dialogues, the exchange of lewd photos, erotic e-mails, erotic texting, the use of a webcam to share lustful content, or the occasional use of prostitutes, THEIR WORLDS ARE SHATTERED.  The most devastating aspect of their discovery is that you’ve been keeping a secret for so long, that you’ve lied and deceived and concealed.If you’ve ever entertained thoughts like “Nobody’s getting hurt” or “It’s not cheating because there’s no intercourse”,  GET CLEAR ABOUT THIS:  the woman you love and who loves you, when the inevitable disclosure occurs, gets VERY, VERY hurt.  And YES, IT IS CHEATING because you’re channeling your erotic energy away from your primary partner.  You’re going outside the sanctity of your “couplehood” to give and receive sexual pleasure from a complete stranger (or two, or a hundred).I’ve worked with quite a few partners over the years, and it’s been my experience that the partners/spouses of sex addicts become crazier than the addict.  After all, the sex addict has the pleasure of the “erotic haze” to provide them with pleasure, safety and comfort.  Also, addicts’ defense mechanisms (denial, justification, rationalization) protect them from unwanted feelings they have about their addiction.The partner has no such port-in-the-storm.  She can’t talk to friends or colleagues because of the shame, and relating to the addict makes her start to feel that she doesn’t know what reality is.  She knows something is up, or she may have discovered erotic e-mails or such on the computer.  He denies or justifies everything, or worse, blames her.In order to establish a much-need sense of control over an unmanageable situation, she begins to search for “evidence” that her sense of reality is correct.  And so she begins the “detective” game, becoming obsessed with finding anything she can that will make him tell the truth.She becomes so obsessed with controlling her partner’s behavior that she neglects her own needs and wants, ignores the children, stops seeing friends.Where the addict is obsessed with sex, the partner is obsessed with the addict.A woman coming for treatment had already discovered that her husband was looking at porn, but she rationalized it, thinking as long as he wasn’t having sex with anyone else, it was alright.One day she was dumping the trash and she discovered paperwork for an $800 loan her husband had taken from the bank.  She was already primed for hysteria from dealing with his porn usage.  When she found the bank paperwork, she immediately concluded that the money was spent on her husband’s use of prostitutes.  This was a completely irrational conclusion because he had never seen prostitutes and she didn’t take the time to talk to her mate about what the money was for.  She was convinced he was seeing prostitutes and was determined to find the “proof.”Thus began the obsessive “detectiving.”   As she relayed it, "Searching pockets, going through bills with a fine-tooth comb.  Searching the premises.  Turning over every mattress, I mean everything.  Looking in every place.  Looking in storage areas downstairs, looking through closets, under things, just tearing the place apart.  To find what I knew I would eventually find.  But that was my craziness."At one point she kept a record of her husband’s mileage, not knowing that every time he drove to the city to act out, he disconnected the odometer.This woman had become disconnected from herself and what she wanted to be.  She existed either in a reactive mode or in a caretaking mode.  Her own needs and wants were discarded.  She was doing what she did not want to do, and she could not stop herself.  She felt caught with no escape.  She was an addict, but her obsession was another person.  She continues,"I never questioned if I loved him, only if he loved me.  I never thought about being happy, only if I could keep him by competing with his porn images.  I wore sexy clothing and did sexual things that for me were perverse, always trying to keep him sexually satisfied.  Thinking there was something wrong with me that I could not meet his sexual needs.  Thinking the best solution was if he were dead, then wishing I was dead.  Having no interest outside of the relationship.  Feelings of absolute nothingness when he left me.  Willing to do anything to get him back.  And always the pain.  The extreme difference between what I imagined myself to be and what I actually had become."Partners in situations like these often develop problems with alcohol, overeating and depression.What they imagined their worlds were and who the person they lived with is shattered.If you're interested in treatment, contact me at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com for a 30-minute free consultation.See http://www.sextreatment.com for 35 articles on sex addictionSee http://porn-no-more.com for posts on porn.Sex Addiction Treatment NYC, Sex Addiction Therapy NYC, Porn Addiction Therapy NYC, sex addiction recovery, help for sex addicts, sex addiction helpFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 4 November 2012 | 7:49 pm

The Cost of Sex Addiction: Reality Distortion/Dorothy Hayden, LCSW

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.One morning after spending hours on the Internet surfing pornography, a successful executive drove to a meeting across town.  While on the freeway, he noticed a pick-up truck ahead of him with two teenage girls inside. A great deal of this man’s Internet porn viewing had been at sites that featured “teen porn”.  The image of the girls in the truck went straight to the neural pathways and cells where the Internet porn images were stored. (The narrow part of the inverted funnel which is sexualized and irrational.) This triggered a series of connections in his brain and body and he immediately became sexually aroused. Pulling up next to the truck, he pulled his pants down to his knees, exposed himself and honked his horn.  The two girls looked over and were so startled by what they saw that the driver gunned her engine and swerved away from the man’s car, nearly causing an accident. Jolted back into reality by the girl’s reaction, the executive slowed down to get his pants back up.  Afraid that the girls might jot down his license plate number, he pulled off the freeway at the next exit.  He was late for his meeting.This type of episode, and perhaps some of you have experienced something similar, represents the type of gross reality distortion that can come from years of sexual activities and internet porn.Sex addiction certainly distorts your view of sex, and those who are deeply involved with sex addiction will eventually have a distorted view of how real-life personal relationships are achieved. They will have a difficulty understanding of how real-life sex should be a meaningful and strong form of affection with a partner and loved one.Many online relationships are similar to pornography in that they are not based in reality: what individuals read and see about people, relationships, and sex is a reality distortion.Seeing life through the lens of the "Erotic Haze"  distorts realistic views of healthy sexuality, leads to the objectification of women, and promote sexual gratification as a top life priority.Because pornography involves emotional, chemical, and physical stimulation, it can reset the brain in such a way that normal, healthy sexual experiences become unsatisfying and unfulfilling.How can having a sex addiction change perception? Probably by desensitizing the reward circuitry in the limbic brain. This primitive region of the brain colors how we see the world. When it's in balance we tend to see things with greater clarity and optimism. When it's out of balance, our impressions result in distorted reality.The over-stimulation from sexual preoccupations and behaviors of our brains can alter our perception. When this occurs, our focus, priorities and even our values can shift—all without our awareness.Thanks to the way our brains work, chronic sexual over-stimulation fails to satisfy; it can leave a person nearly insatiable. Someone may find himself wondering automatically about every woman, "Would She engage in...?" Also, any resentment that arises from the mismatch between his virtual reality and his physical reality may raise doubts about his partner/union, making him uncharacteristically irritable and self-absorbed. He'll focus on what his relationship doesn't offer, not on what it does. Nor does dissatisfaction necessarily stop there. Humans tend to project such feelings automatically onto other aspects of life as well. Existential angst anyone?  Dissatisfaction with our partner may extend to dissatisfaction with all areas of life.Sadly, distorted perception born of neurochemical dysregulation can make a person extremely resistent to understanding what's really driving him or what would ease his misery. His limbic brain has him firmly convinced that only his drug of choice will restore his good feelings.We start to have a lens through which we view life, and that lens is distorted from sex addiction.  For example, a simple conversation with a friendly member of the opposite sex triggers sexual desire and becomes something more in our mind.  We start to wonder if the person is flirting, are they attracted to us, and then our minds continue on from there.  But in reality, it might just be that the person is basically friendly.  Because of our own preoccupation, we assume the intent of others.Another clear example of reality distortion is how readily our minds can pick up on double-entendre.  How easily do we hear a phrase and immediately assign a sexual connotation to it.  Granted, our society seemingly encourages that, but it hinders our ability to simply relate to someone without turning the conversation (at least in our mind) to something sexual.The lesson is this:  learn to ‘mistrust’ your natural instincts.  If a conversation sounds sexual, don’t assume that it is.  (If, in fact, it is intentionally going that way, what are you doing having that conversation, assuming it’s not with your spouse?)  If someone seems flirty, doubt your intuition, since it’s broken.  Then, rather than flirting back, you can move through, let’s say, a business conversation, and actually pay attention to what is being said.  This has two benefits:  1) you get more work done, and 2) you avoid unintentionally offending someone by doing or acting in a way that you THINK is appropriately responding to them, but probably is not.Put simply, an essential part of sanity is being grounded in reality, so in the sense that sex addicts distort reality, their relationship to their own sexual style becomes a form of insanity. That’s how we got to the guy pulling his pants down and exposing himself on the freeway.Unfortunately, it takes a long time for us to learn to discern true Reality after having been tainted by sex addiction for so long. It can take an uncomfortable month or two to restore normal perception after habitual overstimulation. But as ravenous feelings ease, it's easier to find satisfaction in other aspect of life.Having a group of others around you who have learned to spot the lies is essential to form true, accurate perceptions in life.  Knowing what reality is and learning how to deal with it is an essential part of sex addiction recovery.If you're interested in treatment, feel free to contact me at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com for a free 30-minute phone consultation.See htpp://www.sextreatment.comfor 35 articles on sex addictionSee http://porn-no-more.com for posts on pornsex addiction therapy nyc,  sex addiction treatment nyc,   porn addiction therapy nyc  therapy for sex addiction nyc   treatment for sex addiction nyc    sex addiction therapy    sex addiction treatmentFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 4 November 2012 | 7:33 pm

The Cost of Sex Addiction: Emotional Consequences

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.While people cite potential relationship or job loss, or the development of porn-induced ED or perhaps the loss of friends and family as major consequences from porn addiction, I’m convinced that the most devastating consequences are in the realm of our inner lives.How do we impoverish our relationship to ourselves?Untold hours spent planning for and engaging in sexual addiction hurts our ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality.  We believe the illusions set up by porn.  Thousands of beautiful, exotic, erotic women desire us and don’t have to put any effort into it at all!  They won’t judge or evaluation our manlihood, they won’t reject us. They exist only to pleasure us!!  We create worlds where all are needs are magically met just because they – well, just because they are!!!The real world isn’t like that.  Humans are a bundle of needs and wants; some can be satisfied, others not.  Even survival needs take a lot of work: go out into the jungle to bring home the meat.  Getting our true, emotional needs met by other human beings takes a period of courtship, getting to know each other, and finding people who are capable of being supportive and nurturing.  Getting needs met in the workplace require a particular sort of skill sets.  When we’re sober, we learn new skill sets and new coping mechanisms that help us to get our needs met in reality with as much ease and pleasure as possible.Cognitive distortions arise from prolonged time spent in the erotic haze.  You see women on the street as potential sex objects, not as separate human beings who have a whole life that’s not designed at all to consider your sexual needs.  People stop being people.  They become things.  The irony is, we can’t get our basic, genuine needs met by things; we get them met by other people.Denial is the fodder of addictions.  Some say denial means Don’t Even Know I’m Lying…to yourself or to others.  Denial protects the active addiction.  We tell ourselves that we can stop anytime we want to, that we’re not hurting ourselves, that everybody does it, and we deny the reality-based consequences (costs) of this very expensive behavior.  Living in denial is another way of replacing reality with fantasy.While making love to your partner, it’s very common to overlay the reality of the person you’re with with fantasy images from the porn, thus negating the possibly scintillating pleasure of being with the person you’re with in reality.As a result of the numerous times you’ve told yourself that you’ll no longer look at porn but you’ve been unable to hold firm to your resolve, the dreadful realization that you can’t control your own behavior begins to erode your confidence in yourself that you’re a person who “can do.”  The sense of being the masters of our fate, of self-efficiency, self-mastery and self-regulation that are required to keep up our self-esteem is eroded.  This is a potent source of shame that permeates so many aspects of this addiction.From a psychological developmental point of view, sex addiction keeps you in an immature stance in life and prevents your journey to maturity.We grow and develop by grappling with reality-based issues and trying to adapt ourselves to “life on life’s terms.”  When our sexual needs and wants are magically met, we don’t have the opportunity to develop higher coping skills like:  problem solving, risk taking, decision making, growing in our ability to tolerate frustration or to control acting on our impulses.  Sex Addiction keeps you in a state of adolescence for the rest of your  life.Porn changes your brain chemistry which affects your mood and behavior when you’re not using it.  Depression, irritability, inability to take pleasure in non-sexual experiences, low self-esteem, loneliness, boredom, paranoia and shame are some of the step-children of sex addiction.Compulsive sexual behavior that is not in keeping with your cherished values and morals rips a tear in the integrity of the self.With the loss of your essential values, you may find it difficult to establish and persist in meaningful goals.  You may feel lost.Over time, you learn to mask your feelings by immediately going to sex to control them.  You may not be aware of having any feelings, as they all get directly routed into a sexual urge.  Years of denying yourself the experience of feeling your feelings and using them as sign-posts for behavior (which is what they really are) make you a stranger to yourself.Ultimately, the heaviest consequence of sex addiction is the loss of yourself to yourself.If you're interested in treatment, feel free to contact me at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com for a free 30-minute phone consultation.See htpp://www.sextreatment.comfor 35 articles on sex addictionSee http://porn-no-more.com for posts on pornsex addiction therapy nyc,  sex addiction treatment nyc,   porn addiction therapy nyc  therapy for sex addiction nyc   treatment for sex addiction nyc    sex addiction therapy    sex addiction treatmentFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 4 November 2012 | 7:13 pm

The Cost of Sex Addiction:Shame/Dorothy Hayden, LCSW

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.What human emotion is worse than shame?Shame strikes deepest into the human psyche; it is a sickness within the self, a disease of the spirit. It is the feeling of indignity, of defeat, of transgression, of inferiority and of alienation. Shame is experienced as an inner torment. It is a wound made from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another.Shame violates our essential dignity as human beings. The person feeling shame thinks, “Whether all eyes are upon me or only my own, I feel deficient in some vital way as a human being.”The disturbance within the self produced shame, impacts not only self-esteem, but also the development of identity and the pursuit of intimacy. When shame captures the addictive personality, it grows like a cancerous growth. Shame precedes and enables sexual addiction.  Then it follows sexual acting out.  The act of viewing porn is sandwiched between the before and after of the event.Addicts often suffer another bout of sexual acting out to alleviate the shame of acting out!   Until sex addiction treatment, it is a vicious, never-ending cycle.Children can experience shame beginning from a very early age.  Dysfunctional (non-nurturing) families that are emotionally, sexually or physically abusive serve as the spark that spawns hot-beds of shame for their offsprings. Neglect that is physically or emotionally depriving also contributes to the formation of a shame-bound personality in a child. The family isn’t the only source of shame; problems with peer relationships at school can also be very traumatizing.When an afflicted child reaches adulthood, he is haunted by shame. Indeed, many of the dynamics of sex addiction are about managing sexual shame. Intense sexual arousal obviates sexual shame and allows for sexual activity. Sex addiction makes sex so desirable that it overrides shame.Shame is an integral part of your “Addictive Prison”Shame-bound people do shameful sexual behaviors. There is one particular feature of every addiction which is central to understanding the addictive process: a profound, discouraging sense of powerlessness over the addiction. The tail increasingly comes to way to dog, engendering shame about the addiction itself. We feel humiliated whenever we feel controlled by anything, but especially in the sexual experience because of the shameful connotations communicated by family, church and culture that sex is “bad”, “sinful”, “shameful”.Each time there is failure to break the addiction and regain power over it, the sex addict feels defeated. He grows to hate himself, disgusted by the helplessness, the lack of resolve and the lack of inner strength.Getting treatment for shame is an essential part of recovery from porn addiction.If you're interested in treatment, feel free to contact me at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com for a free 30-minute phone consultation.See htpp://www.sextreatment.comfor 35 articles on sex addictionSee http://porn-no-more.com for posts on pornsex addiction therapy nyc sex addiction treatment nycporn addiction therapy nyc  therapy for sex addiction nyc treatment for sex addiction nycsex addiction therapysex addiction treatmentFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 4 November 2012 | 6:55 pm

The Rewards of Sex Addiction/Dorothy Hayden LCSW

Reclaim Sexual Sanity:  Find Recovery Now by Calling 212-673-5717 for an Initial Consultation.  See www.sextreatment.com for 35 full-length articles about sex addiction and for details about my private practice.People quite their sex addiction when they begin to get more rewards for living without the addiction than they get from feeding the addiction.The Rewards of Sex AddictionCurrent treatment for sex addiction focuses on the consequences of the destructive sexual activities.  I think, however, that there need to be open discussion about what you get from the addiction that keeps you going back for more.  These are the reasons behind the addiction.Face it, excessive alcohol consumption and sexual activity provide you with feelings and sensations that you desire and need.Some of these essential feelings are a sense of being valued, of being a worthwhile person, of being in control, of having your masculinity shored up together with self-esteem and self-worth.  Of course, this all occurs in fantasy, so the gains are illusory.  In the long term, this fantasy world where all of your needs are magically met lead to negative feelings and life outcome.How to quit sex addiction from it's roots?  You need to understand the needs that the addiction fulfills.  How does it function in your life?  Then find constructive ways to get those very needs met in the world of human beings.Once you get used to relying on your addiction, your life begins to revolve around it and indulgence in porn becomes the first place you turn when you are under stress.  You lose any consideration of how sex addiction is damaging you.  You begin to take the rewards it gives you as a given as though you had not other way to obtain them.No one will give up the benefits and rewards of a sex addiction until they find alternative sources of satisfaction, positive feelings and gratification on which they can rely.It's one of the challenges of sex addiction recovery.If you're interested in treatment, feel free to contact me at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com for a free 30-minute phone consultation.See htpp://www.sextreatment.com for 35 articles on sex addictionSee http://porn-no-more.com for posts on pornsex addiction therapy nyc,  sex addiction treatment nyc , porn addiction therapy nyc, therapy for sex addiction nyc,    treatment for sex addiction nyc   sex addiction therapy sex addiction treatmentFor a free 30-minute consultation, contact Dorothy at dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com. SKYPE sessions available.

Posted on: 4 November 2012 | 6:33 pm