Boating Blonde

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried. After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

Posted on: 18 October 2008 | 12:55 pm

The Duck in the Bar

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig. Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck. So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar. The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, "Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?" The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out."

Posted on: 10 August 2008 | 11:33 am

The 18 Bottles

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by mywife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, orelse... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. Iwithdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down thesink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew thecork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exceptionof one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thirdbottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled thecork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down theglass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next anddrank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled thesink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then Icorked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, countedthe glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which weretwenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally Ihad all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under theaffluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk asyou might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and thedrunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Posted on: 20 July 2008 | 8:15 pm

The Small White Dot.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out somethingExciting and relate it to the class the next day.When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boythey called on walked up to the front of the class, and with apiece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat backdown.Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied.'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about aPeriod?'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, Mom fainted, my Dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joinedthe Navy.'

Posted on: 6 May 2008 | 9:49 am

Social Worker

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...'WOW,' the social worker exclaims,'are they ALL YOURS???''Yep they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says,'Sit down Leroy.'All the children rush to find seats.'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.''This one's my oldest - he is Leroy.''OK, and who's next?''Well, this one he is Leroy, also.'The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?'Their Momma replied, 'Well, yes it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school,I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?''I call them by their last names.'

Posted on: 21 April 2008 | 9:25 am

I didnt get any money this time

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

Posted on: 18 April 2008 | 4:57 pm

Beer and music

A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar. He placed a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer.When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer.When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, "PLAY".The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse.He set this mouse on top of the piano and said "SING".The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites.A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the drunk man and offered to buy this little outfit that he had.After a bit of negotiating, the drunk man agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk "You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!"The drunk laughed heartily and replied "I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?"The bartender responded "What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!""The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend", chuckled the drunk. "That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!"

Posted on: 4 April 2008 | 9:37 pm

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.""I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Posted on: 23 March 2008 | 1:07 am

The Pianist

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

Posted on: 7 October 2007 | 7:42 pm

Married Life - Going to a Bar

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”…and they lived happily ever after.

Posted on: 4 October 2007 | 1:18 am

Drug dealers and software developers - a comparison

Drug Dealers ----------------------------------- Refer to their clients as "users". "The first one's free!" Have important Asian connections. Strange jargon: "Stick" "Rock" "Wrap" "E" "Stash" "Drive-by" "Hit (LSD)" "Source" "The Pigs" Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent product. Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers. Product causes unhealthy addictions. Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. Software Developers ----------------------------------- Refer to their clients as "users". "Download a free trial version..." Have important Asian connections. Strange jargon: "SCSI" "RTFM" "Packet" "C" "Cache" "CTRL ALT DEL" "Hit (WWW)" "Source-code" "Microsoft" Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent products. Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers. When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers. DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D... Damn! DAMN!!!

Posted on: 3 October 2007 | 5:22 pm

New Bride

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

Posted on: 22 April 2007 | 5:12 pm

Help! I'm Stuck!

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window. The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts. "But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams. "Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!" She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over."What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks."Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck". "If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

Posted on: 22 April 2007 | 5:10 pm

Q&A's

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? A: Mace will do that to you. Q: Why can't Jill Dando go drinking?A: One shot goes straight to her head !Q: What's the similarity between Jill Dando and George Best? A: They both finished their careers at Fulham

Posted on: 22 April 2007 | 5:07 pm

Corporate Lesson number two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Posted on: 22 April 2007 | 5:03 pm

Corporate lesson number one

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Posted on: 22 April 2007 | 5:01 pm

Generous Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Posted on: 22 April 2007 | 4:34 am

The Italian

An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"...one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been ! makin g bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve , leans into the bartender and proudly says,"We had him circumcised."

Posted on: 19 December 2006 | 12:01 pm

Husband Wanted!

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time toget married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:HUSBAND WANTED:MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much toher dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentlemansitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs."You're not really asking me to consider you, areyou?" the widow said. "Just look at you... You have no legs!"The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot runaround on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rangthe door bell, didn't I?"The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

Posted on: 18 December 2006 | 11:46 am

Football Finally Makes Sense!

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They hadgreat seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked herhow she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' "I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Posted on: 12 December 2006 | 9:49 am

The Three Inch Man...

A man walks into a bar and asks for 2 shots for him and his buddy.The bartender says, "Do you want them both now, or do you want me to wait til your buddy gets here first?"The guy says, "Oh I want them both now, I've got my best buddy in my pocket right here."He then pulls out a three inch man and puts him on the table.The bartender was astonished. "Do you mean to say he can drink a whole drink?""Sure, he can drink it all. Pour it on."Sure enough, the bartender watches in amazement as the little guy drinks down two full shots."That's amazing. Can he walk?"The guy flicks a coin and says, "Hey, Trevor, go get the coin, ok?" The three inch man runs off after it."Unreal. Can he do anything else? Can he talk?""Of course, he can," the man replied turning to his three inch friend:"Hey Trevor! tell The bartender about the time you called that witch doctor a good-for-nothing-scam-artist-idiot!"

Posted on: 29 November 2006 | 10:09 am

You Know You're a Mom When...

1) Your feet stick to the kitchen floor...and you don't care. 2) When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding. 3) You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket. 4) You spend an entire week wearing sweats. 5) Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you. 6) Popsicles become a food staple. 7) Your favorite television show is a cartoon. 8) Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day. 9) You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is. 10) You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU! 11) You buy cereal with marshmallows in it. 12)The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.

Posted on: 28 November 2006 | 10:22 am

Genie in a bottle

Best Genie Story Ever A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh ... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies?!"

Posted on: 27 November 2006 | 2:45 pm

Good News and Bad News!

A man is taken into hospital and has some tests taken and is awaiting the doctor with the results. The doctor duly arrives and says to the man:"I have some good news and some bad news...""I can take it Doc give me the bad news!" the man replies."I'm terribly sorry but we have to amputate both your legs," says the Doc as professionally as possible.The man responds, "Well, Doc, this is terrible. At least I have the good news to come, go on Doc give it to me."Doc replies, "Do you see the man in the opposite bed?""Yes, what about him?""He said he would buy your slippers."

Posted on: 20 November 2006 | 4:37 pm

Lawyers and farmers

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Posted on: 17 November 2006 | 2:19 pm